Good Times Blog & Webzine

Republican National Convention Theme Song

2010-04-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

Looking forward to a rendition of this done by Dick Chaney and Sarah Palin in 2012

44 Presidents Hip Hop Style

2010-02-15T10:47:00.000-08:00

44 Presidents....44 Caliber

Grand Fork You Too!

2010-01-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

This video perfectly illustrates the ineptitude of local government, not only did they forget to put January 31st on their calendar. How will the folks in Grand Forks, ND celebrate World Leprosy day or The birthday of the great Carol Channing?

On top of that they put out a video explaining how to correct this oversight. I know what your thinking, any noob can add an extra day to a calendar, well apparently Grand Forks, North Dakota consists of some very special noobs who require further instructions, observe:

In the unlikely event that Justin Timberlake decides to show up in North Dakota on his birthday the fine people of Grand Forks will be well prepared but I wouldn't hold my breathe. I might take a trip to Grand Forks myself, I heard they got free pens!!

We got that B-roll!!

2009-12-28T16:03:00.001-08:00

B-Roll its not just for local news anymore!!

Year-End Quotables: Quotes of note for 2009

2009-12-28T13:21:00.000-08:00

"I'm going to set up a foundation for the world. I'm going to take the money and start building cities all over the world. I'm a comet."-- Former Knicks guard Stephon Marbury
"Something vegetarian, like grilled cheese or chicken fingers."-- Rapper/actress Eve
"The trouble with Twitter, the instantness of it, too many twits might make a twat." -- David Cameron, British Conservative Party leader.
"I think it has some sort of stone."
-- Lorrie Nantz, testifying in her divorce trial from sportscaster Jim Nantz that she couldn't remember what a $12,000 necklace she purchased one month earlier looked like
"Some employees may prefer weapons such as chain saws, baseball bats and explosives that have been shown to be effective against zombies." -- University of Florida in a disaster preparedness plan on its e-Learning website on how to deal with a campus-wide zombie attack.
"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife … I totally understand O.J. I get it."
-- Professional wrestler Hulk Hogan
"Cheech and Chong would have had a hard time smoking that much."
-- Butler County (Ohio) judge Craig Hedric, on former NBA player Corie Blount claiming 29 pounds of marijuana were for personal use
"I hope he does get back. The first thing I would do if I get back on the golf course, I would go looking for Jesper Parnevik and I would beat his ass … There is a line that you don't cross over."
-- Pro Football Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor, on Tiger Woods
"Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. … Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side. … If Jedis walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."
-- Unidentified spokesman for British supermarket chain Tesco, in response to accusations of discrimination against the Jedi "religion"
"After we warm up before a game, I gotta take a dump. It's a huge benefit to release that gas you don't need. The facilities are beautiful. We're spoiled. If I get a good one, I know I'm gonna score two touchdowns."
-- Jets running back Leon Washington
"I have only two passions: space exploration and hip-hop." -- Astronaut Buzz Aldrin, 79, who is producing a single with rapper Snoop Dogg.
"I don't know anything about cars...a business is a business, and I think I can learn" -- Edward Whitacre Jr., newly appointed chairman of GM
"When you face such an overwhelming challenge as global climate change, it can be daunting - it's kind of like trying to lose weight." -- US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
"I know lots of people that take cocaine three nights a week and get up and go to work every day, no problem. But we never hear that side of the story." -- Singer Lily Allen.
“Our goal is to raise money for charity, but also to put Coppertone out of business. You can be charitable, but still be a bloodthirsty capitalist.” -- Will Ferrell, on his Cancer for College sunscreen, which raises money to help cancer survivors afford school

Merry Christmas has the right to remain silent?

2009-12-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

In Boynton Beach Florida, a woman named Merry Christmas has been arrested for obstruction of justice. This is just shameful ... for police officers.

Shouldn't the coppers have seen Merry's ID and said, "Sorry ma'am, I see you are legally connected to the berfday of the Baby Jesus, we'll let this slide out of respect. To Christmas. And America."

We had the highly respected Tranceponder research dept. look into this, and it seems there has been some other holiday/coincidental/odd name/crime related stories.

Gangster Sonny "The Groundhog" Santini was arrested on racketeering charges on Groundhog Day. A guy named Cinco de Mayo-Gutierrez was popped on Cinco de Mayo for public intoxication, public urination and punching a horse. And a woman named Eve Hallows was taken in on Halloween one year for also punching a horse.

P.S. Whats with all these Horse Punchers? Horses are people too, jerks!

There was another story of a young man that was called "Hanukkah Magee" was arrested during Hanukkah for petty theft. However, his real name is Ricky Tenenbaum. "Hanukkah Magee" was only a nickname given to Ricky by his classmates for, and this is a quote, "looking pretty Jew-y."

Who are the Marketing Geniuses who came up with this one?

2009-12-14T09:28:00.001-08:00

How in the Hell is "hand job" not part of their Lexicon?

And just out of curiosity how is this product different from a rag?

But I do like their website, Ineedahandjob.com, they will get a lot of accidental orders, If You know what I mean, I just hope no one mistakes this product for an item that can be used in assisting with "handjobs." I mean it is a rag, what other equipment could you possible need.

Obama hires another Drug Czar?

2009-12-11T11:02:00.000-08:00

DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico

Where do I Apply?

Disney Presents Rachel and the Dragon

2009-12-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Disney + Stereotypes=Hilarity!

About damn time alert: Sesame Street brings a legitimate anchor to Fox News

2009-11-25T16:15:00.000-08:00

Fair and balanced should be Sesame Street's new slogan!

Trebek Sucks it no more!!

2009-10-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

Sean Connery got nothin on MC Trebek:

The Nintendo Shii: Coming to a Lane Bryant Near You!

2009-10-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Those Crazy Dutch, What will they think of next?

Bonus Clip: French TV Ad

I think he means don't underestimate the French, soc de blu!

In Mother Russia, Bus Rides You!

2009-10-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

I hope this bus driver is drunk, for his sake!

Teenage Pot-Smoking Ninja Turtles!!

2009-10-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

Taking Y'all back to a simpler time....

Turtles in a half shell...reefer Power!!

I guess this is why the rest of the world loves soccer!

2009-09-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dare I say...GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Amazing Streaker Scores - Click here for this week’s top video clips

I Hope this Goal counted, Hell it should count for 2 points!

Bonus Clip of the week:

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

I'm convinced...and the republicans think that Hollywood is full of Homo-Liberals and Commie Jews. Just another thing they were wrong about...I think they are going for the world record.

Health Care Reform? Peshaw, We're # 37 and that's good enough for me!

2009-09-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

Bonus Clip of the week: A lesson in Breathalyzer test etiquette:
Lesson One: Its rude to refuse a drink when offered
Lesson Two: Everyone loves a good laugh, even the Police
Lesson Three: Keeping your balance is very Bourgeois, don't rub it in

Observe this gentleman in Action, we could learn a lesson in humility:

Craig's List: It ain't just for Hobos no more or is it?

2009-09-16T09:19:00.000-07:00

Craig's List is full of surprises, here are some disturbing listings that the whole family could enjoy:

Ewww....Courtney Love Art Project. I wonder if he will eccept Doll Hairs in return. (pun Intended)

Who Throws a Bell Pepper, Honestly?

Can Holding a Flashlight make You an Accessory to a Crime?

The KFC Double Down Sandwich: The Low Carb Alternative!

2009-08-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

The Double Down consists of bacon, two kinds of cheeses and sauce between two pieces of fried chicken with no bread...but in KFC's defense, The Chicken is already breaded. KFC Is lookin out for America's Carb intake because unused carbs turn to fat, we might as well just go straight to the source...Actual FAT!

There will also be those who argue: MMMMMM....Two kinds of cheeses!!!

I wonder what kind of cheeses they choose to represent this american classic, my money is on Chedder and Nacho, but American and Pepper Jack would be a nice combo too.

This is the first time in my life that I found myself envious of either Nebraska or Rhode Island Residents.

Unfortunately, only the Fox News feed was available because...respectable news outlets are covering real stories. (The transponder was never respected only feared!!!)

The NBA Commish Visits The Barbershop

2009-08-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

NBA Comissioner, David Sterns stops by the ol' Barbershop to discuss the state of NBA.

If Only African Americans and Jews could workthis well togetherand overthrow the WASP Elitists...Damn did I spoil the Ending?

Parking Rules are apparently no longer in effect

2009-08-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

This Tow truck driver may have Misinterpreted the term "car pool."

I know gas prices are expensive, but we cannot allow taxi cabs to take Public Transportation, Its a Fire Hazard.

Hey, Oscar...Wrong Hole!

(And Just for the record these all Happened this week)

Another Comedic Gem from our Friends at Fox News!

2009-07-09T09:34:00.001-07:00

What Species do Retarded WASPS belong to again?

P.S. Mr. Douchefag, With all due respect but let us not forget that this country is a mere 300 years old, which is a blip in history and these "foreign species," otherwise known as Immigrants built this country up from nothing to the most powerful nation in the world.

KIA Motors claim

2009-06-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

For a lot of you out there, you will have no idea what I'm on about because most of you wouldn't have ever seen this commercial. In fact, it's so new i couldn't find you guys a YouTube example. Anyways, KIA claims that after all these years the quality of their cars somehow improved. And maybe it did but i don't know anyone with a fucking KIA. They claim they are outselling Mazda and Lexus. Yea right! I don't know who does their statistics but they might want to have some other company re-do those numbers. The balls on these KIA execs. I know (and this is off the top of my head) 7 people with Lexus brand vehicles. KIA... ZERO! Same for Mazda. So shut the fuck up KIA and stop making ridiculous claims. This is America not Korea. These fact don't apply for this market.

Advertising Symposium: What the F*&%?

2009-04-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the prolonged break...Things are kinda Hectic! Layoff me!

Apparently a Cuban Ob-Gyn industry lost a real gem when this guy defected:

$0.99 for a kids' meal and a Trapezoid ass...count me in:

Some yardwork is best left to Mexicans, this ain't it:

Last but certainly not least, Sasha Baron Cohen is back with his latest sensation, Bruno:

That's all Folks!!!

Sports Update and Basic Cable Personality Wars rage on!

2009-03-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile, Lets catch up to some of the happenings in the world of sports:

Stephan Marbury Update: He was released by the Knicks in late februaury after a prolonged Buyout negotiation. Considering that he still got 18 Million Doll-Hairs, it should not have been that long. I would love to meet the genius arbitrationg that negotiaition. Here's how it probably went:

Knicks Arbitrator: The Knicks will agree to pay Marbury 18 Million to go be a disruptive team cancer elsewhere, preferebly a rival city like Boston.

Marbury (acting as his own agent): Wooohoooo! I Screwed over my hometown team and still got paid. Now I am off to hated rival Boston, so I can be Starbury once again!

Knicks Arbitrator: Suckers! (Under his breathe)

(This has been a dramitization)

But, Even with 18 Million bucks, He is still a loser!!

His nickname should have been Suckbury, not Starbury.

The Proof is in the poorly constructed sneakers:

Celtics before Marbury: Defending NBA Champions 2008-09 Record: 46-13

Celtics after acquiring Marbury: 3-3

Marbury's Stats in his first six games:

7-27 FGs, 0-5 from 3 point land, 15 assists, 12 turnovers and 9 Personal Fouls. Hall of Fame numbers right there. My prediction is that the Knicks beat the Celtics in the first round of the NBA playoffs 4 Games to 3 and Isiah "the false prophet" Thomas emerges to take credit for masterminding the whole operation. Mwuhaaahaaa

Moving on.....

In the World Baseball Classic, The Neatherlands beats the powerhouse Dominican Republic team not once but TWICE!!!

Looking at thier rosters: The Dominican team is full of Major Leagers and Superstars like Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez, Miguel Tejada and David Ortiz.

The Dutch are flanked by Sidney "too drunk to pitch" Ponson, some guy named VandenHurk and Randall Simon of the Newark Bears.

All this proves is that Smokin' Weed makes you better at baseball too. So far weed has locked down Swimming (Michael Phelps), Football (Santonio Holmes) and now Baseball. No wonder California wants to legalize it!

Bonus Pic of the Week:

These Kids are our only Hope in a world doomed by the Emo-Pop revolution. Keep Fighting the good Fight! Say NO to Hemo (homo+emo=Hemo) culture.

Bonus Clip of the Week:

A follow up to the Jon Stewart Vs. CNBC story from earlier this Month. It is now apparently a full-fledged Anchor War according to some News Networks that shall remain nameless. Here is a clip from last night's Daily Show:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Basic Cable Personality Clash Skirmish '09

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Economic Crisis

It all culminates tonight when Jim Cramer from Mad Money visits Jon Stewart on the Daily Show. If this doesn't kick the Nasdaq into gear, I don't know what will.

CNBC: Complete Noobs Bullshitting Continuously

2009-03-07T13:35:00.000-08:00

Here is a word of Advise, Do Not under any circumstances take any Business or Investment advice from CNBC.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

The California Green Rush

2009-03-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

Drink it in folks, Your looking at the world's first sensible Politician:

Tom Ammiano is seemingly the first politician to realize that Marijuana should be legalized for the greater good. Or if you prefer a more reasonable explanation, California is broke and has a deficit of nearly 42 billion or so. How does Cali plan to solve this conundrum?
Beats me, In fact I doubt that they ever will. But they can legalize Weed to raise some revenue due to California Assembly Bill 390, known as the Marijuana Control, Regulation, and Education Act is the first bill ever introduced to legalize the sale and use of marijuana in California.
Here is how the revnue/taxation breaks down:
$1 billion: in annual revenue by taxing the retail production and sale of marijuana for adults 21 years of age and older.
$5,000: To obtain a commercial grow license.
$2,500: Fee each subsequent year.
$50: Tarriff for an Ounce would also be placed on all sold and grown marijuana.
By the way, Marijuana is California's number one cash crop, compared to other crops:
Marijuana ($14-billion)
Vegetables ($5.7 billion)
Grapes ($2.6 billion)
Take that Vegetables and Grapes!
Tom Ammiao, you sir are truly one of a kind, I guess the Pharma and Liquor lobbies have yet to brain wash him, here is his reasoning for introducing the bill: “With the state in the midst of an historic economic crisis, the move towards regulating and taxing marijuana is simply common sense. This legislation would generate much needed revenue for the state, restrict access to only those over 21, end the environmental damage to our public lands from illicit crops, and improve public safety by redirecting law enforcement efforts to more serious crimes, California has the opportunity to be the first state in the nation to enact a smart, responsible public policy for the control and regulation of marijuana"
WOW! He even cares about the environment, what a mench!
Lets hope the California State Assembly agrres with me.

How can they say no?

Boycott Kelloggs

2009-02-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

Kelloggs recently announced that they won't be renewing their sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps after he was caught smoking the reefer.
I Call bullshit on that! Kelloggs has made billions of dollars from stoners eating frosted flakes or rice krispies. So, its ok for their customers to smoke pot but its not ok fro their pitchmen? Shouldn't a pitchman relate to the client base?
Well, Kelloggs, that is a rhetorical question. I am hereby never buying another box of Kelloggs cereal unless Kelloggs either apologizes or rehires Phelps.
If you feel that this hypocrisy is outrageous as well, I URGE YOU NOT TO BUY ANY MORE KELLOGGS PRODUCTS!!
Post and General Mills, Your in luck boys, cuz I love me some cereal after I am done tokin'.

I am not alone on the this one either, Marijuana Policy Project has asked its members to boycott Kelloggs as well.

Don't forget to sign the petition!

MPP's Rob Kampia added the following:

Kellogg's had no problem signing up Phelps when he had a conviction for drunk driving, an illegal act that could actually have killed someone, to drop him for choosing to relax with a substance that's safer than beer is an outrage, and it sends a dangerous message to young people."
Kelloggs I certainly hope your stock plummets, Oh wait, it did! HAHA!!

Its down another 62 cents as of Feb.12th

The most ridiculous part of this story is that the South Carolina Sheriff who presides over Richland county, the alleged county where Phelps took a bong hit, is looking to press charges. What the FLUCK????

Are you kidding me, some hick sheriff is pissed because a celebrity smoked pot in his jurisdiction, this guy needs to be taken out to the woodshed and beaten severely!!

How can a county prosecute someone for smoking weed more than three months ago? That doesn't even make legal sense, isn't there a statute of limitations and how can they even prove he actually had possession of anything?

Let me just put it out there, Sheriff Leon Lott, you are a Grade A Moron and the reason people dislike cops, please do society a favor and go kill yourself and stop making the rest of the human race look like idiots.

And while we are in a boycotting mood, I also urge everyone to boycott South Carolina for electing this NOOB! Don't plan any trips to South Carolina and don't buy products produced in S. Carolina. This shouldn't be too hard, just don't visit S. carolina and don't buy spittoons made in S. Carolina (what else can they possibly manufacture).

While I'm here, A-roid is liar, Chris Brown is a wife beater and Brett Favre might actually be retiring for reals this time.

Good Week Vs. Bad Weak

2009-02-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

GOOD WEEK:

WEED!

Your Super Bowl MVP: Santonio Holmes

lets take a trip back in our internet delorean to Friday, October 24, 2008:

Pittsburgh police pulled Holmes over in the Hill District and found three marijuana-filled cigars while they were on the lookout for a large stash of drugs in a sport utility vehicle.

AND he admitted to smoking weed to the cops! stick to the lie, bro!

Exhibit B:

World record setting Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps, anyone?

Phelps is seen here taking a wicked rip of a ROOR bong!

RooR Bongs: Pure Smoke Kulture!

Not only did he win AN Olympic medal, he won like 18 of them! that is like the most ever. Granted its only the Olympics and technically he is an "amateur" and he doesn't even get paid* (Besides the millions in endorsement deals). It counts for something, he just needs a mark spitzstache'

Now his sponsors are scared and made him apologize, OH NO Apologize!
HEY SPONSORS, if anything this makes him cooler, people barely care about swimming during the Olympics but Weed is infinitely awesome! any of this stuff getting through?
But phelpster, remember if you do get dropped by your "wholesome" sponsors, you can always count on ROOR!!

BAD WEAK:

WAR!

As of Monday, Feb. 2, 2009, at least 4,237 members of the U.S. military had died in the Iraq war since it began in March 2003, according to an Associated Press count.
Ouch!

Remember kids:
Be a soldier against the war on drugs, you may become a Super Bowl MVP or an Olympic champion, both those monikers are capitalized! can you say velvet rope?

Actual war? not as fun.

Another sign of the Armageddon: The What the F*ck Blanket!!

2009-01-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

What will those advertising wizards think of next?

I want this guy as my Meteorologist!!

2009-01-24T14:23:00.000-08:00

Hawai'i, we hardly knew ye!

US airways flight 1549 - Water Crash Landing

2009-01-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

ALL UPDATES ON THIS STORY ARE PUBLISHED ON THE BOTTOM.

By now everyone has heard about the crash landing in the Hudson River of US airways flight 1549. The flight had to make an emergency water landing roughly 6 minutes after takeoff from La Guardia Airport (KLGA) en route to Charlotte, NC. The plane experienced an engine failure due to a suspected bird strike to what it seems like the left engine. The pilot made an amazing landing which only cause minor injuries to some passengers. There were roughly 155 people on board the aircraft at the time of this incident. The NY waterway ferries were some of the first on scene, helping passenger to disembark the aircraft. Circe Line ferries were also present to assist in the rescue. The US Airways plane had the good fortune to be under the command of an old-style stick-and-rudder pilot. Chelsey B. Sullenberger III 57, is a former USAF fighter pilot and a man who lives for flying. He has 19,000 hours and among other things, he is also a glider instructor and he runs a company that advises on safety systems and crew procedures. But once again bravo to the pilots for their incredible landing. Most water landing look like the video below. It is a Ethiopian jetliner making a water landing after being hijacked and running out of fuel.

Now getting down to business. I was led to believe that all aircraft engines are tested for bird strikes before they go into service on any passenger aircraft. This video below is an example of such a test.

Here is another example of a bird being sucked into a jetliner's engine at takeoff. This aircraft, which was taking off from a Manchester airport, made a safe landing under much the same circumstances.

Now it wasn't immediately clear which engine on the aircraft was struck by the bird (suspected to be a goose) but from the videos and pictures I suspect it was the left engine. Now if the aircraft engines were in fact tested against bird strikes, why did the engine fail? What really happened to flight 1549? The NTSB's investigation is pending and I will be updating you on any news that will arise in during this investigation.

UPDATES: The plane reportedly struck a flock of geese and not just one goose. The aircraft lost BOTH engines... Carry on.

The plane lost both engines on impact with the water. Diver teams are now working on the recovery of said engines.

The NYPD, NTSB and the FBI are working to find video footage of the aircraft going down. There are many riverside cameras and this event might have been caught on tape. If this footage is found, I will post it promptly.

The origins of Emo

2009-01-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

Emo sucks, all music has some emotions, wheather its happy, angry or drunk. but being a pussy is not an emotion, rather a state of being. In my humble opinion, Emo is a sign of the armageddon and we will all rue the day that Emo entered our vernacular.

first, only the most evil diabolical pussy of all time could have invented Emo, it had to be Emo Hitler!

Photographic evidence, you say, sure, indulge:

So unless, Your a Hitler Lovin' Faggot don't listen to EMO!!!

Lets not forget some of the consequences of Emo, becoming a Fat Gelatinous Asexual weirdo with bad taste in music. Once again, photographic evidence after the jump:

Happy New Year!!!

2009-01-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Vodka Tossing, I hope they consider making this the newest Olympic Winter Event at the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia in 2014:

I'm so proud to be russian!!

Also, a quick reminder to the New York State legislator, We could use that 11.5 Million dollars, seeing how the states budget is in a severe deficit. I am referring to the bill that would legalize Mixed martial Arts in New York State. Its about Damn time!!
here is an article on The MMA issue from the New York Post.

36 out of 44 States that have Athletic Commissions allow MMA events to be held in their state. The empire state should join the fracas, no pun intended. New York Kicks ass and I for one am all for seeing some ass-kicking at the world's most famous arena!

2008-12-27T11:16:00.000-08:00

Plaxichokes Burress made the "most difficult" catch in the superbowl to give the New York Giants a superbowl victory agains't the greatest football team in history. How difficult was "the catch" hmm I'll let you be the judge of that..

So moving on how will the Giants ever reclaim a superbowl victory without their Star Wide Receiver?? Well they showed that they can beat the other best team in the NFC so all Giant fans are thinking "repeat" haha how far that is from the truth ..It wasn't a playoff game for the giants nor did you face a great team. At least the Giants wont be eliminated in the first round, this year...

I'm kinda hoping the Jets would win and the Raven lose this week this way once the playoffs start New England can get the opportunity to shut new york's dreams of a subway superbowl haha. personally I think the Giants will be better off without Plaxico, just not this year!! OH but dont worry Giant Fans you still have ... --> David Tyree and Michael Phelps haha.

Iran v. Hollywood

2008-12-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

Iran is pisses because an American movie, "The Wrestler" portrays Iranians in a negative light.
Here is a Clip:

Offensive? Please, An Actor portraying an Iranian wrestler in the filming of a match with predetermined outcome. Offensive? more like confusing. The song playing is not the original but I replaced it because I do not want further offend Iran.

"The Wrestler" is directed by Darren Aronofsky and is supposed to be Mickey Rourke's big comeback. It also features Marisa Tomei as a stripper. Here is a trailer/music video featuring "The Boss" who plays the theme song.

I hope this movie wins an Oscar and the Iranian wrestlers is best supporting Actor, because that is some good acting.

Let's look at what a real Iranian wrestler looks like.

"Put him in the camel clutch, Break his back and F*%@ his Ass! Make him humble."
His words, not mine. I guess Darren Aronofsky should have made his Iranian wrestler more fiery. Since The character of "ayatollah" in the movie is based on an Iranian Wrestler from the 80's who performed the camel clutch, Its pretty safe to say that "Ayatollah" is based on the Iron Sheik, who we witnessed earlier and by the way that outburst was not an isolated incident. So, it seems to me that Darren Aranofsky, the same guy who brought us Requiem For a Dream, had to TONE it down a little. Not good enough for Iran.
Anywho, This is not the first time. Iran also had beef with "300" and "Alexander." Both Epic films about great bygone eras. "The Wrestler" on the other hand is about a washed up 80's Pro wrestler from New Jersey who is dating a stripper. I guess the only reason Iran is pissed is because The Iranian Wrestler in question was played by an American, Earnest "the cat" Miller. Problem Solved, Hollywood, please cast nationalities appropriately. We will all be better for it.

A proven way to get over your fear of heights!

2008-12-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

This ad is either for Appliances, Parachutes or Implants.
I bet you will never guess...http://www.fleggaard.dk/

Tranceponder would like to welcome our newest sponsor with open arms!

2008-12-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

The big three should have gotten to congress before all the banks started hogging all the bail out money, now they are only getting a mere 25 Billion Doll-Hairs, You gotta love Capitalism!

Plaxico Burress & Sean Avery

2008-12-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

There have been some sports stories that are down right too comical/tragic for me not to comment on, up first its Plaxie!:

In my opinion, the incident was self defense. He shot the person who shot him, which just happens to be himself. But, the Giants suspended him anyway and the future looks pretty bleak because he now almost certainly faces jail time for having a concealed weapon without a license in NYC.

anyway, here is a funny comic book that blends together A Christmas story with the Burress Incident:

http://www.tiricosuave.com/2008/12/01/a-burress-story/

Up Next its The NHL's answer to Dennis Rodman, Sean Avery. Sean Avery is a Forward on the Dallas Stars and has been known to rub some people the wrong way and he also interned for Vogue magazine, make of that what you will. Anyhow, Prior to a game against the Calgary Flames, he had some disparaging remarks about Flames' Defenseman Dion Phanuef pertaining to his personal life. Observe:

To clear things up, Avery used to go out with Hollywood Hottie Elisha Cuthbert, and is now dating Calgary Flames Defenseman Dion Phaneuf. Plus, Avery was also romantically linked to Rachel Hunter, the former Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover model and actress who is now the girlfriend of Los Angeles Kings center Jarrett Stoll. So, closely examined Avery has a point but it is being rumored that the Dallas Stars are attempting to cut him because of the incident, mainly to divert people's attention from their piss-poor record, after reaching the Western-Conference finals last year. I hope NHL Commissioner, Gary Bettman has heard of this nifty idea, called freedom of Speech. Because I don't think that "sloppy seconds" warrants a suspension of any length. Shouldn't Bettman be more focused on eliminating career-threatening cheap-shots?

It's Official, I'm going to Hell!

2008-11-29T14:27:00.000-08:00

Lil Jon V. Lazytown

This is wrong on a number of levels, but it still cracks me up! Hell better have a good Comedy Club!

Getting Old Is Gonna Suck!

2008-11-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

Does the FCC really think that people who are using analog TV sets have access to the Internet? And with all the serious issues that the world faces, is Digital Cable really a top priority?

I Guess we will need HDTV to distract us from those serious issues!

Da Mystery of Chessboxing

2008-11-19T11:15:00.000-08:00

Chessboxing is no longer just a Wu-Tang clan song...it is now officially a sport which involves equel parts Chess and Boxing.
This great sport has yet to come to America's shores, currently only Germany and Bulgaria have Chessboxing organizations.
Here are the rules of the Game: In a chessboxing fight two opponents play alternating rounds of chess and boxing. The contest starts with a round of chess, followed by a boxing round, followed by another round of chess and so on. A contest consists of 11 rounds, 6 rounds of chess, 5 rounds of boxing. A round of chess takes 4 minutes. Each competitor has 12 minutes on the chess timer. A round of boxing takes 3 minutes. Between the rounds there is a 1 minute pause, during which competitors change their gear. The contest is decided by: checkmate (chess round), exceeding the time limit (chess round), retirement of an opponent (chess or boxing round), KO (boxing round), or referee decision (boxing round). If the chess game ends in a stalement, the opponent with the higher score in boxing wins. If there is an equal score, the opponent with the black pieces wins.
Got it?
Good.
To demonstrate the awesomeness of this Athletic/intellectual activity. Here is ESPN's take on the sport:

Also visit http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=chessboxing & http://site.wcbo.org/content/index_en.html for more cool Chessboxing stuff.

The Dopest Attorney In L.A.!

2008-11-19T10:23:00.000-08:00

Best Attorney Ad, this side of Johnny Cochran:

We need more Attorneys like her in this world. She is Honest, Understands that people have the right to smoke weed (even on probation) and She is easy on the eyes. If we had more attorneys like her throughout the Country, Weed would be decriminalized in the US in no time. This past election two more states (Massachussets and Michigan) decriminalized the possesion of small amounts of marijuana. That brings that grand total up to 14. The other states include: Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, North Carolina, Ohio and Oregon. Hopefully with a president who possesses some sembelence of Logic and common sense, The US can completely decriminalize Marijuana and Legalize Industrial Hemp. Those two things will go along way in salvaging our economy anfd the planet as a whole!

Check out her Blog for more dope observations.

The Ultimate Guide to getting High on the Cheap

2008-11-19T09:59:00.000-08:00

Strapped for cash? Feeling Sober? Need a quick Psychoactive/Psychedelic boost?
Who doesn't?

In these rough economic times, your recreational drug budget may have taken a severe hit because....well, you need to eat or pay rent or something silly like that. I don't have this problem because I work for a Bankruptcy attorney and I am straight Ballin'!

But I feel for all those people out there who have to make the tough choice of either Eating or getting High. I am a big proponent of both and no should have to starve or be sober for prolonged periods of time...It's inhumane. The beauty of living in America is that we always have had bountiful amounts of drugs.

In order to ensure you don't have to make these tough choices, here is a list of Household Items that can help you get through this economic mess and by the time you sober up, maybe our economy will rebound somewhat as well.
http://www.iheartchaos.com/2008/11/13/12-strange-substances-that-will-mess-you-up/

Barack "lightning" Obama: We Hardly Knew Ye...Until Now!

2008-11-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

In my Endless Quest for knowledge I have dug up some intersting facts about our President-Elect Barack "lightning" Obama. I have Highlighted the best ones and my comments are in Italics.

• He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics. Comic Con 2009 at the White House?
• He was known as "O'Bomber" at high school for his skill at basketball
• His name means "one who is blessed" in Swahili and "Lightning" in Hebrew
• His favourite meal is wife Michelle's shrimp linguini
• He won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father. A grammy winning president, as apposed to a president who needs to improve his grammer, I think things are looking up.
• He is left-handed – the sixth post-war president to be left-handed
• He has read every Harry Potter book. Why?
• He owns a set of red boxing gloves autographed by Muhammad Ali. Let me guess, this makes him a muslim too?
• He worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop as a teenager and now can't stand ice cream
• His favourite snacks are chocolate-peanut protein bars
• He ate dog meat, snake meat, and roasted grasshopper while living in Indonesia. Mammals, Reptiles and Insects...Taste Like Chicken?
• He can speak Spanish
• While on the campaign trail he refused to watch CNN and had sports channels on instead
• His favourite drink is black forest berry iced tea
• He promised Michelle he would quit smoking before running for president – he didn't.
• He kept a pet ape called Tata while in Indonesia
• He can bench press an impressive 200lbs. Noodle-armed Choir Boy!
• He was known as Barry until university when he asked to be addressed by his full name
• His favourite book is Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
• He visited Wokingham, Berks, in 1996 for the stag party of his half-sister's fiancé, but left when a stripper arrived.
• His desk in his Senate office once belonged to Robert Kennedy
• He and Michelle made $4.2 million (£2.7 million) last year, with much coming from sales of his books
• His favourite films are Casablanca and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• He carries a tiny Madonna and child statue and a bracelet belonging to a soldier in Iraq for good luck
• He applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar while at Harvard but was rejected by the all-female committee. Haters, I bet they would let him pose in the calender now!
• His favourite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees. Not bad, I guess we can look forward to a Dylan-Fugees presidential world tour in the near future.
• He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date.
• He enjoys playing Scrabble and poker.
• He doesn't drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol. Fluck Coffee but its a good thing that he leaves a the door open to Alcahol, Cuz he is gonna need it big time.
• He would have liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician
• As a teenager he took drugs including marijuana and cocaine. I am sure Joe Biden would dissaprove, but hey i'll bet 15-1 odds that he is the most likely prez to smoke a blunt in the white house.
• His daughters' ambitions are to go to Yale before becoming an actress (Malia, 10) and to sing and dance (Sasha, 7)
• He hates the youth trend for trousers which sag beneath the backside. The American people don't pay him to hate trends.
• He repaid his student loan only four years ago after signing his book deal. People actually repay student loans?
• His house in Chicago has four fire places. Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot! Atleast all the fireplaces are in one house and not 17.
• Daughter Malia's godmother is Jesse Jackson's daughter Santita. Isn't this the guy who wanted to castrate him?
• He says his worst habit is constantly checking his BlackBerry. I certainly hope so.
• He uses an Apple Mac laptop. Apple just found their new Pitchman.
• He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid, having ditched his gas-guzzling Chrysler 300. Practicing what he preaches, I bet Bush drives an Oil rig Hummer 4x4 with Plutoniom alloy rims.
• He wears $1,500 (£952) Hart Schaffner Marx suits
• He owns four identical pairs of black size 11 shoes
• He has his hair cut once a week by his Chicago barber, Zariff, who charges $21 (£13) Let me guess, his barber's name is Zariff, so he is Muslim!
• His favourite fictional television programmes are Mash and The Wire
• He was given the code name "Renegade" by his Secret Service handlers. His theme song is Renegades by Jay-z and Eminem, once again achieving racial harmony.
• He was nicknamed "Bar" by his late grandmother
• He plans to install a basketball court in the White House grounds. He should challange Osama to game of hoops, winner takes all!
• His favourite artist is Pablo Picasso
• His speciality as a cook is chilli. mmm...Presidential Chilli
• He has said many of his friends in Indonesia were "street urchins"
• He keeps on his desk a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg, a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life
• His late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government.

Now you know a little more about the next leader of the free world courtesy of the Tranceponder. You'll thank me later!

Barack "lightning" Obama Prevails!

2008-11-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

The Youth Has spoken...let the generational shift begin.

Young people (ages 18-29) represented 18 percent of the voters in today’s election, Young voters diverged sharply from the population as a whole, preferring Obama/Biden over McCain/Palin by 68% to 30% in the NEP. This is by far the highest share of the youth vote obtained by any candidate since exit polls began reporting results by age categories in 1976. In past elections from 1976 through 2004, young voters diverged by an average of only 1.8 percentage points from the popular vote as a whole. 2004 had set the previous record for an age gap.

My advise to Obama:
1. Legalize Industrial Hemp and encourage Farmers to grow it
2. Decriminalize Marijuana Nationwide
3. Allow Doctor's to Prescribe Medical Marijuana
4. Release all Non-Violent Offenders from the Prison Systems
5. Crack down on White-Collar Crime
6. Make CEOs personally responsible for their companies failures
7. Create Jobs in various renewable energy Fields
8. Make America less despised by the rest of the world
9. Get the Fluck out of Iraq and devote more troops to Afghanistan
10. Abolish the Patriot Act once and for all

Piece a cake, No?

Also, Here is an interesting piece that discusses how other countries perceive the election of President Obama:
http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/0,28757,1856584,00.html

Red, White & Kazoo

2008-11-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

I can't think of a better way to kick off Election Day than a riveting Pussy Kazoo rendition of America the Beautiful. At least she didn't pay the skin flute or rusty trombone. Anywho, I think our founding fathers would be proud. Nothing says "freedom" like Vaginal Melodies! And for all those suckers out there voting don't forget, what if the shoe was on the other foot?

In superstition news, The Bush curse has been broken. Everything he touched turned to shit for an amazing 7 years, 10 months and 10 days. Until the Fanatic and the rest of the Phillies finally put an end to the Bush's amazing run by winning the world series.

Wat is omhoog?

2008-10-30T10:58:00.000-07:00

The Wuzzzzzzzup? guys are back but a lot has changed in eight years...mostly for the worse.

Now that Anheuser-Busch is owned by Belgian based INBev, shouldn't they change their catchphrase to "Wat is Omhoog?" to reflect the Flemish speaking culture of their parent company?
Plus, I've been hearing people actually complaining about Budweiser being sold to INBev because they fear that the recipe would change. What recipe is that, waterdown? gimme a break. Budweiser is only popular because its cheap and can be consumed in large quantities.
I for one am Happy that Belgium took Anheuser-Busch off America's hands. That leaves us with the Boston Beer Co. and D.G. Yueng-ling & Son as our biggest beer companys. Hopefully this will lead to American based micro-breweries winning back some more American consumers.

retracted...

2008-10-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

EliteXC is down for the count!

2008-10-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

Sports Illustrated has reported that EliteXC is closing its doors for good. On the heels of the disastrous Kimbo Slice fight, it was revealed Seth "pink hair" Petruzzelli was paid not to go to the ground. CBS was planning on rescuing the MMA promotion which was hemorrhaging money but after this incident they backed out leaving EliteXC to wither and die. The Florida State Athletic Commission is investigating EliteXC, which obviously did not help things. CBS did get some very good ratings for the last two televised events, but a federal investigation coupled with a main-eventer who lost almost all his credibility was enough to scare off CBS. This just goes to show that just because a sport is popular and it seems easy to profit from, you cannot simply half-ass it and hope that things go according to plan. UFC works because it was built from the ground up and not built around an Internet sensation or because its a fast growing Trend.
Let's take a look at how some MMA upstarts have fared recently:
International Fight League (IFL) ceased operations on July 31, 2008 due to Financial problems and general lack of intrest.
PRIDE Fighting Championships was purchased by Zuffa, the parent company of their biggest rival, UFC.
World Extreme Cagefighting (WEC) has always been owned by Zuffa, but few people were aware of this.
Cage Warriors Fighting Championship (CWCF) is a UK based promotion which is struggling to survive.
K-1 is a Japan based promotion which is still going strong after 15 plus years.
BodogFight closed down in Mid-2008, laying off most of their employees after losing a reported $38 million US dollars.
Anybody see a trend here? There are way too many cooks in the kitchen. I didn't even mention Strikeforce or HDnet Fights. There are roughly 21 Promotions in The US alone. Another 30 Promotions in Asia, Europe and South America. Plus, 10 Defunct promotions. The powers that be in the MMA world need to consolidate before the whole sport bottoms out. In the world of Professional sports, there unfortunately is no room for competition. The Audience just wants all the best MMA fighters in one Promotion that can consistently put on a good show a few times a week and consistently provide a great PPV card at least once a Month. this is the only way it is going to work. Look at the other popular pro sports leagues. Baseball did not become America's pastime until the American League and National League were able to come to terms with each other, establish the MLB and the World Series. The NFL did not become the Cash Cow it now is until the NFL agreed to play the AFL in a Little known game called the FRICKIN' Super Bowl. The same could be said about the NBA and the ABA in the seventies. Even Professional Wrestling did not hit its stride until all the territories where consolidated into the NWA/WWE.
I am a fan of MMA and I would find it much easier to follow and watch if there was one Main promotion which had an extensive farm system to develop younger talent. Affliction is attempting to make that happen by organizing the World Alliance of Mixed Martial Arts (WAMMA). But without the cooperation of UFC, K-1 and a handful of other promotions, this is an exercise in Futility. UFC may be the biggest promotion and are extremely successful but without a network television contract they will never reach the status that the other 4 professional sports leagues have long ago achieved. UFC is currently a staple on Spike TV, which is a good start but being on a cable network limits their reach. CBS(EliteXC) and NBC(Strikeforce) have proved that MMA could work on network television and until a legitimate promotion like UFC or WAMMA is on network television, MMA will always be a fringe sport on the brink of demise.

KImbo Slice Cut Down to Size!

2008-10-06T09:39:00.001-07:00

As most REAL MMA fans already knew, Kimbo Slice is a grade-A Fraud. He was a Youtube sensation that EliteXC made into a Phenomenon in order to compete with UFC and Affliction. Kimbo was never really an "Mixed Martial Artist" in the traditional sense of the word. Kimbo was a football player for the "U" in Miami and later worked as a Bodyguard for an Internet Porn company called Reality Kings (the fine folks that brought you MILF Hunter). He has not really beaten anyone of consequence except for an extremely over-the-hill Tank Abbot. Tank Abbot is like the Godfather of MMA and after an extremely unsuccessful stint in the now-defunct WCW, He has been a somewhat of a joke. Here is a funny video demonstrating why Tank Abbot is a joke:

A bit Preposterous, No?
Anywho, On Saturday, Kimbo was scheduled to fight Ken Shamrock, who is like the Babe Ruth of MMA. Unfortunately, Kenny is 44 and has lost 7 of his last 8 matches including three embarrassing losses to Tito Ortiz. EliteXC was basically banking on Kimbo to Annihilate Shamrock and give him even more credibility because even with all his recent failures, Shamrock is still arguably the most recognizable name is MMA.
Plus this classic Youtube moment added to that fame:

That is why they call him the Huntington Beach Bad boy!
Anywho, the fall out from all this is that EliteXC is more or less Defunct because their biggest investment turned out to be a Chump that looks like Rick Ross but can't Rap or fight for that matter either. Just look at the side by side comparison, its like they were separated at birth:

Long story short, Shamrock was not cleared to fight due to a cut above his eye. He was replaced by Seth Petruzelli, who is 10-4 in his career and had not fought in over a year. In fact, he was technically retired from MMA and trying to a start his own business. Seth's only real claims to fame was beating an AARP member Dan Severn by decision and losing to Matt Hammil who also happens to be deaf. Seth's Sexual orientation is also in question because of some of the "Provocative" Photos on his myspace profile. Like the Following Photo: (believe it or not, some of the other photos are inappropriate even for the Tranceponder.)

I guess the brain trust at EliteXC did not plan on a twinky like Petruzelli knocking out Kimbo in 14 seconds. the Homophobic executives at CBS are PISSED and that is for certain. Here is the fight in its entirety just in case you missed it:

Seth is the one with PINK hair just in case you are unaware.

Bailout? Bailout? Don't talk to me about Bailouts!

2008-10-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

Lets take a look at Bailout Gate from a Historical perspective. In 1980, a far more competent republican, Ronald Reagan was in a similar situation:
The 1980 Chrysler bailout, which was nationally debated for months before happening, cost $3.2 billion, in present-value dollars, and was financed by revenue rather than by borrowing. Here is the borrowing that's occurred in 2008 alone, with precious little public debate:
• $29 billion to bail out Bear Stearns.
• $40 billion in the first mortgage-holder bailout.
• $80 billion for an additional year of Iraq war operations. (Another $150-$200 billion in war costs such as future veterans' disability benefits were incurred but not funded.)
• Up to $85 billion to bail out AIG.
• $153 billion to households for "economic stimulus."
• $200 billion, and possibly more, to bail out Fannie and Freddie.
• $290 billion in farm subsidies, despite agricultural prices and grains profits being at record highs.
• $700 billion general bailout of securities backed by bad debt. (This figure could balloon up to 1 Trillion.)
That comes to $1.6 trillion Doll-Hairs!

Why are the young not furious? Well, because they are too ignorant to be furious due to "No child left behind." $700 billion is about to the gift-wrapped to the Wall Street elite -- in 2007, George W. Bush vetoed an increase of $7 billion per year in health care spending for the poor, saying the country couldn't afford it.
Yup, We are doomed!

On the bright side, the Bush presidency was so atrocious that Oliver Stone was able to make a movie about it before W even left office. I believe that has to be a record of some sort. Has any standing President had a feature film released about him before he even got the chance to pardon all his criminal cronies? My research indicates no. Here is the trailer:

The Juice is no Longer on the Loose

2008-10-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

Ironically, almost 13 years to the day that O.J. was acquitted of Murder, O.J. Simpson is convicted of roughing up a Memorabilia dealer. Even though there was no DNA evidence this time, the prosecutor had an eyewitness and that was enough to convince an all white jury made up of 9 women and 3 men. I thought that O.J. would have learned from his last trial that he needs to kill any witnesses because they just cannot convict him on DNA evidence alone, which happens to be 99% accurate. Plus, we cannot underestimate the lack of Johnny "the glove don't fit" Cochran (R.I.P).

What was O.J. thinking when he replaced him with a guy named "Yale," that is up there on the list of most condescending names with Orville, Rupert and Wilhelm.

Yale "No Shot" Galanter

Justice is a cruel mistress and no can predict how one will get his or her Comeuppance. Two things are for sure, Karma won this round and Ronald Goldman's Dad is sporting a shit-eating grin somewhere.
But wait, there is more! Sentencing begins in early december and Juice possibly faces life in Prison but keep in mind that the Simpson camp also vows to appeal the decision. So, we could be in it for the long haul folks.

Diesel Makes Advertising History!

2008-09-25T11:26:00.000-07:00

Curiously, As my respect for Diesel's Cajones grows, the more I want to wear their products. Finally, an advertisement that works even on the most jaded marketing director. (ME)

Our Grandchildren are Officially Royally Screwed!

2008-09-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

As you may have heard Congress passed a bill earlier this week that will supposedly "save" the housing market and prevent the collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. I have a very limited understanding of Economics but I think this bill is going to cause some major issues in the future. I am even going so far as to predict that when we look back at history hundreds of years from now, the collapse of the United States and the US Dollar will be blamed on The Housing Bailout Bill - H.R. 3221. Don't Believe me, maybe you will believe Texas Congressman and the man who should be running for office instead of John McCain, Ron Paul:

The Bill is over 700 pages long and I am sure there is a bunch wacky stuff in there that I can't comprehend but here are TWO things I do Understand:

The federal government has decided to bailout Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Of course, since the government has no money itself, “bailout” means that the American taxpayer is now on the hook for billions if not trillions of dollars. It also increases the "cap" on the national debt to $10.6 trillion. Congress has made the American taxpayer liable for another $800 billion; that's about $2,500 per person. I am curious as to why no one asked me?
In a section entitled "Flexible Underwriting Criteria," the bill says that a troubled homeowner can still qualify for a new government insured loan despite bad credit and past financial mistakes. This is encouraging for those truly trying to get out of their real estate nightmares, but I imagine it will probably result in more defaults because some financially irresponsible people just never change. When those second defaults come in, tax payers will have to eat more loan losses. Once again, I don't believe I was consulted about this.

Thankfully I'll be dead in no more than 75 years and I won't be around for the collapse of one the world's greatest empires. Many of you are probably thinking that I am a loon and a conspiracy theorist. Well, Yes. Thank you for the kind words but remember every empire falls eventually. The Roman Empire once controlled most of Europe and parts of Asia, Where are they now, you ask? Well, they made the same mistakes that the US is making today. Conquering Far away lands that they don't have any business in and allowing a corrupt government to run amok. Eventually the Citizens will revolt and in my Opinion it has been a long time coming. One of our greatest founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson predicted these events through these three quotes:

1. "I sincerely believe that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies, and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale."

2."The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions that I wish it to be always kept alive."

3. "Every generation needs a new revolution."

I will leave you off with a cut from the new Metallica album, which surprisingly Doesn't Suck(Lars Ulrich is still a tool, though). After putting out crap for almost two decades, the Bay Area Bashers finally come through with album reminiscent of their heyday:

Metallica-The Day That Never Came

Karma stands tall after Week 1 of the NFL

2008-09-10T14:14:00.000-07:00

Tom Brady's season is over after a less than spectacular eight minutes of action. Tom Brady tore both his ACL and MCL in his left knee after taking a helmet to the knee. On the Bright side, He will be out of action for the next twelve months. Unfortunately there were no signs of torn cartilage. But that's what you get when you play a coach who brazenly breaks the rules to get a significant competitive advantage. This "tough break" could also be attributed to the Patriots running up the score on teams who were obviously over matched.
Let's take a look at the hit that sidelined Tommy Boy:

Now, Lets Look at some of the scores the Pats compiled against inferior competition:
V. Jets :38-14
V. Bills: 38-7
V. Bengals 34-13
V. Dolphins 49-28
V. Redskins 52-7
V. Bills 56-10
The lesson the Pats hopefully learned is that it does not pay to embarrass your competition because other teams and players will hold a grudge and the Mighty Football Gods will Smite thee and banish you to Mediocrity! Now, many Pats fans argue that Losing to the Giants in the Super Bowl was punishment enough...but to that I say HOGWASH!
Losing in the Super Bowl was the result of getting out played by a team that played in a much tougher division (the NFC east) and faced adversity throughout the regular season. This Adversity included:
1. Head Coach Tom Coughlin almost losing his job before the season
2. Former Star running back, Tiki Barber calling out QB Eli Manning's ability to lead
3. The pre-season holdout of future Hall of Fame DE Michael Strahan
4. Having to travel to England to play the Dolphins in Wembley Stadium in the middle of a season
5. Injuries to the starting Tight End, Jeremy Shockey, Starting Outside Linebacker Mathius Kiwinuka and Back-Up Running Back Derrick Ward
The culmination of all these events made the Giants the Ultimate Underdog and the only team in the NFL mentally prepared to take out the undefeated New England Patriots.
The New England Patriots were punished through a small fine and by having their 1st round draft pick taken away. The fine was laughable and the draft pick was the 31st overall, which was inconsequential because the Patriots held the 8th overall pick via trade with the San Francisco 49ers.
Roger Goddell showed no Cajones when it came to reprimanding the Pats, in order not to tarnish the league's identity. Even though Rog has no problems suspending players for off-the-field misconduct. But when a coach acts inappropriately on the field, he gets no suspension what so ever. The patriots basically got a slap on the wrist but it was not to be....Karma is on the rag and she took her frustrations out on Patriots and Tom Brady and I say its about damn time.

But all is not lost patriots fans, Matt "career back-up" Cassel is here to save your season. He stunk in the preseason, going 0-4 but we all know that was just a ploy to keep his opponents in the regular season guessing. he has demonstrated some incredible mobility, I will even venture to say that he is more mobile than Tom Brady. Observe:

Nifty Moves, No? Well, if your still not sold maybe he can serenade the competition into a trance with his angelic voice. Observe:

And he is a backstreet boys fan, Ladies, he IS the total package! forgot Tom Brady, he ain't got no class! He wouldn't even shake Eli Manning's hand before the Superbowl, Observe:

So the Patriots finally got their comeupins and the AFC east is up for grabs for the first time in six years. I predict Jet Favre will lead his squad of rocketeers to the AFC east title. I was convinced of this when I saw Favre do the unexpected and actually live up to the hype. Observe:

Chad Pennington Couldn't even throw a Frisbee that far.

Other Intriguing Story lines from week 1:
Off course, I must mention the World Champion NY Giants won on Thursday by a score of 16-7 against the Redskins.
The Colts looked lost without C Jeff Saturday against Da Bears.
The Cowboys are Stacked and destroyed the Browns, But will Tony Homo be able to win a playoff game? So far he is 0-2 in his career.
The eagles are a formidable team with a healthy Donovan McNabb.
Chargers got a double blow on Sunday, first they lost to the Carolina Panthers on the last play of the game then they lost all-world LB Shawne Merriman for the season.
The Titans won, no thanks to Vince Young who got booed and is considering quitting football, man up Vince, man up!
Rookie QBs Joe Flacco and Matt Ryan both won their respective games. Interesting note, Flacco scored a 38 yard rushing TD against the atrocious Bengals defense. His longest run in his Collegiate career was 22 yards and he played for a Div. II school. This begs the Question, is the Bengals defense worse than schools such as William & Mary or Hofstra.
Why don't you be the Judge:

Joe Flacco is a great name for a QB and I applaud his efforts but why are all the Bengals jogging after him, I would have thought that the Conditioning Programs at the Ohio State Penitentiary would better prepare the Bengals for these sorts of situations.

I am officially requesting the Republicans to retire the word "Maverick" once and for all!

2008-09-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!

I can't stand it anymore, every time I hear republicans or the media talking about John McCain, they mention that he is a "Maverick." Is He Really?
Maintaining the Status-quo and voting with George W. Bush 90% of the time is not the definition of a Maverick. The GOP fell in love with this Buzz word and are humping it into submission every waking moment.
According to Webster's Dictionary, A Maverick is an unbranded calf, cow, or steer that is separated from its mother or an electro-optically guided U.S. air-to-ground tactical missile for destroying tanks and other hardened targets at ranges up to 15 miles or a lone dissenter, as an intellectual, an artist, or a politician, who takes an independent stand apart from his or her associates.
Unfortunately, McCain is none of the Above. He might pass for a an unbranded steer in some circles but I am not fooled.
So in the name of Ronald Reagen(republicans adore him), stop using the term Maverick to describe John McCain.
Choosing a VP who was the mayor of a city with the same population as my High School does not make him a maverick. That decision was made to please hard-line conservatives. The kind of Conservatives who don't believe in abortion even in cases of rape or incest. (Just like Sarah "rah rah" Palin)
I don't blame them, many of these hard line conservatives are products of incest and Rape. Don't believe me, Observe:

Wanting to allow off-shore drilling is not being a maverick, that is being a shill for big oil companies who would benefit if these restrains are loosened. Don't believe me, Observe:

Lastly, If you are gonna butcher the word "Maverick" at least have the decency to spell it correctly. Most of you are thinking, the GOP knows how to spell come on, your just piling on. Well, I wish that was the case, but its not, observe:
(Knowing the GOP, they will probably argue reality and say that the rest of us are using an outdated dictionary or something.)
To say the least, Mel Gibson(The Original Maverick) is not pleased and as usual he blames the Jews!

MIAMI: Marijuana In A Mall Indefinetely!

2008-08-28T14:25:00.000-07:00

The Mall of the Americas in Miami, Florida is now easily my favorite mall in the world and I have never even set foot in it. It gained this distinct honor because of this incident:

Fonsy seems really concerned about his kids...really?

Also the cops confiscated the plants but they are not currently investigating who the plants belong to? What can we gather from that? Its basically back on the streets for all intensive purposes.

I don't see why reefer is such big deal, It has been tested extensively over the last ten years (and that is by me alone) and they can't seem to figure out how it is harmful to anybody. I think it would improve our society tremendously if we could just let "the reefer madness" mentality go by the wayside. I'm looking at you, red states.

Here is a list of some of the states that take Marijuana offenses WAY TOO seriously:

Iowa: 6 months in Jail for any amount. (first offense)

Indiana: Under 30g could be as much as a year in jail, over 30g could get you as much as 3 years (first offense)

Kansas: A year in Jail for any amount (first offense)

Utah: 6 months in jail for less than an Oz. and you could get your driver's Lcense suspended.

Montana: 6 Month in Jail for anthing under 60g, a subsequent offense gets you 3 years.

Kentucky: Less than 8oz. is a year in the slammer, more than 8oz. can get you upwards of 5 years.

Luckily all these states suck and I can't see why anyone would voluntarily visit them. But if your driving through them, make sure you stash your goods more better!

The one Place that stands out in the US is Puerto Rico, its not even a state but if you get caught with weed be prepared to spend the next three years in jail! Due to the fact that marijuana possesion is a felony and not a misdemeanor, that is mind blowing, (not the good kind) even getting caught with paraphenelia is 3 years. If I was living in Puerto Rico, I would totally rebel. They can't vote in the presidential election and their marijuana laws are the stiffest in the country, how is that fair? I understand the US Gov't is trying to keep it out of the country and they probably rationalize the stiff penalty by saying that marijuana traffickers come to the US through Puerto Rico, but its obviously not working since we have plenty of sweet cannibus in the mainland.

So to all you Puerto Ricans out there, I say: "No incarceration without representation!" Go all Che Guevera on the DEA's sorry ass!

Ohh...Plus there is this interesting piece of news:

This Picture definitely gives Sushi a lot more sex appeal!

The Beijing Olympics: A Potpourri of Visual Delights (The Real Closing Ceremonies)!

2008-08-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

As many of you know the 2008 Olympics ended in grand fashion this past weekend. And I believe that they taught us all a lot. For Example, The Chinese love censorship and that the Americans are once again kings of the Basketball World. But there was also a lot of things that occurred at the Olympics that were not shown to the masses. As a servant of the people I will now attempt to display some of the "events" that NBC failed to televise.
These are the REAL Closing Ceremonies!

The story of the 2008 Olympics told through art of Photography:

Is this Russian High Jumper High or something?

I am sure the Chinese have a Cure for that, Right?

Its only funny until somebody gets hurt...then its Hilarious!

My Money is on the Fat Guy!

Would you feel better if I rub one out on you...I mean rub out the cramp for you.

Note to Self: Don't go Binge drinking before a marathon.

I guess all the cubby holes were taken.

Look Ma...No Hands!

Sandy Snatch enjoys a day at the beach.

So, I sez to myself, what would Mike Tyson do in this situation?

The Green matches my Taint.

Nothing says World Unity like hot Asian chicks and I must add that those are some very happy drunken Dutchmen!

I am a little short on rent this month, can I live in between you two?

You think their toes are curled now, wait till I am through with them!

The Brazilians Wax lives up to its name once again! On a side note, I would gladly eat paella out of both of their butt cracks!

She is either taking a dump or trying to add wind Resistance in hopes of sabotaging her team. Oh, those crazy Germans...Das Dumper!!!

If you had a Greek Water Polo player in "The Exposed Titty Office Pool" then congrats to you sir or madam.

DJ G9D's Thursdays Afternoon Music Picks Are Officially Back!

2008-08-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the unexplained Hiatus but I have problems keeping a regimented schedule but I'll try to be more consistent...no promises though.
Anywho, Here are some choice cuts which I feel are worth checking out:

Nas-Sly Fox

This is in my Opinion the best song on the new Nas Album and that is saying a lot. The rhyme scheme is just off the hook and the beat is really catchy yet packs plenty of punch! Plus he really sticks it to Fux Noobs...kind of like I did in a Previous Article.
In order to further prove the point that Nas is trying to make, here is a Fux Noobs clip that is "allegedly" about a serial killer in Florida but if you were to turn down the volume and just watch the stock footage that Fux Noobs uses, it mostly focuses on Boobies & Poontang!
Observe:

Joell Ortiz-Letter to Obama

A few months a go I (accurately) predicted that more and more Rappers were going to jump on the Obama band wagon and try to rally support around the Halfrican-American Presidential Candidate in the Hip-Hop Community and amongst Minorities in general. Interestingly Enough Joell is not black but a proud Puerto Rican, a demographic that Obama could really use some help with(they tended to vote for Hillary). The first slew of videos that were Obama related were by Nas and Movado respectively. If you are new to the Tranceponder you can check them out here. This Song is off of Joell Ortiz's Sophomore effort entitled "Free Agent." Joell Ortiz's first album "The Brick(Bodega Chronicles)" was in my opinion one of the best Hip-Hop albums of 2007.

Motorhead-Rockout

Lemmy & Motorhead are back with their signature sound. This is first the Single to be released from "Motorizer," their 20th studio album. That kind of longevity is rarely seen in the fickle world of Metal.

Slipknot-Psychosocial

Slipknot's new album is definitely worth checking out. The Album entitled, "All Hope is Gone" was released on August 20th. This is the second single from the album, the first was the title track. Usually when bands go on hiatus and start working on other projects for several years, there is a drop-off in the quality of material produced by the original band but in the case of slipknot they were able to channel their roots and put out a very strong album that is reminiscent of their first three albums.

The Briggs-Charge Into The Sun

The Briggs are an Alt-Metal/Punk Band from Los Angeles. This is a cut from their album, "Come all you Madmen."

Tyga-Lime in the Coconut

I don't particularly like this song but years from now we will be referring to acts such as Tyga as a bi-product of the "Kanye West Effect." In Layman's terms they are skinny and/or nerdy rappers who emphasize the hooks way too much and pretend to be rock stars. Plus, they throw hissy-fits when their sup-par work is not recognized as brilliant art. Also, a word of advice for Tyga, putting the lead singer of Fall Out Boy in your Video does not get you mainstream attention. On a related note, Putting Lil' Wayne in a Video should not get anybody street-cred but in their case it actually does.

That is all for this edition of DJ G9D's Thursdays Afternoon Music Picks. Enjoy your Weekend.

Geography: New York City Style

2008-08-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

It may come as no surprise to the rest of the country, but New Yorkers have a very New York Centric view of the country. Rightfully so because we are the Financial/Entertainment/Sports/Fashion Capital of the World. We also pay a premium to reside here and call ourselves New Yorkers, so it all breaks even in the End. Well, Not really because 85% of the country is in the Boonies and NYC has it all. Try finding a Deli in Alabama at 2 in the morning, Go ahead I dare you. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

This is why I am going to simplify the U.S. Map, 50 states...Hog wash...that is what I like to call massive overkill. Most 4th graders don't even know what state they live in, how can they possibly remember 49 others?

Here is a map any dolt could understand, I propose congress consider making the appropriate changes, so that we can simplify our government and raise geography test scores all in one foul swoop.

Sexual Positions and Sports: A Practice in Metaphorical Comparison

2008-08-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

Asking a real man what’s your favorite sport is like asking a man what his favorite sexual position is. We like them all! But some are preferred over others for example:

Golf is like getting a blow job because there is very little actual athletic activity and rich white guys love it.

Baseball is like the missionary position, its steady and reliable. Nothing fancy but it keeps a good pace and gets the job done.

Football is like doggy style, cuz it’s action Packed and some one is bound to get sacked.

Hockey is like the Knees on Chest Position cuz there’s a lot of checking and there is a significant possibility it will result in a shoot-out.

Basketball is like the reverse cowgirl, cuz you need to be the floor general and hit your jump shots.

Finally…Anal is like professional wrestling because the moves are real but the outcome is predetermined. Plus, the girl needs to be drunk to enjoy it…usually.

Guess the Mystery Product

2008-08-14T15:36:00.001-07:00

What can they possibly be selling/promoting with this ad?
Tampons, Herpes Medication, The Learning Annex, Knives, Prozac, PETA, Waterproof Make-Up or WWI Commemorative plates?

Interesting Twist ain't it?
Personally, I hope it motivates a few fat chicks.

MLB Ethnic All-stars: It ain’t where you at, It’s where your from!

2008-08-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

As many of you know the Olympics are set to begin today. Something that many of you don't know is that this is the last year that Baseball and Softball will be featured as Olympic sports. The IOC argues that there are not enough competitive countries to make the sport Olympiad worthy. USA Softball always wins the Gold and MLB refuses to send its players to represent the US or any other country for that matter. So, every countries baseball rosters are filled with amateurs and nobodies. I for one am all for the idea of getting rid of Baseball because it may allow Rugby to finally become an Olympic Sport. I played Rugby in College and I think it deserves to be an Olympic sport. But, alas the IOC made their decision and decided to include Squash and Karate instead, but not really as the article points out.

Baseball has a chance to get back into the Olympics for 2016, but they have to play their cards right. They cannot base it on countries or they are dead in the water. The Olympic squads have to be based on Ethnicity. This will provide for a must-see event that will be ultra competitive.

In order to get the ball rolling, I compiled the All-time greatest baseball teams based on Ethnicity. Each team consists of sixteen players and one manager and I will be listing them in alphabetical order in order to avoid any problems.

Up first, hailing from the far east, they are like untamed beasts:

The Amazin' Asians

C Kurt Suzuki
1B Hee Sop Choi
2B Tadahito Iguchi
3B Norihiro Nakamura
SS Kazuo Matsui
OF Kosuke Fukudome
OF Hideki Matsui
OF Ichiro Suzuki
DH So Taguchi
Utility IF Akinori Iwamura
P Chien-Ming Wang
P Daisuke Matsuzaka
P Hideo Nomo
P Chan Ho Park
RP Hideki Okajima
Closer Takashi Saito
BP C Kenji Johjima
Manager Akira Ogi

Their ancestors Hail from the Dark Continent and they are flauntin' it:

The Black Ballers

C Roy Campanella
1B Willie McCovey
2B Jackie Robinson
3B Bobby Bonilla
SS Ozzie Smith
OF Willie Mays
OF Barry Bonds
OF Hank Aaron
DH Frank Thomas
Utility IF Ricky Henderson
P Bob Gibson
P Vida Blue
P Dock Ellis
P Don Newcombe
RP Satchel Paige
Closer Lee Smith
BP C Earl Battey
Manager Buck O'Neil

Hailing from across the border, they will dominate your batting order:

The Hispanic Panic

C Ivan Rodriguez
1B Albert Pujols
2B Rod Carew
3B Miguel Cabrera
SS Alex Rodriguez
OF Roberto Clemente
OF Manny Ramirez
OF Vladimir Guerrero
DH David Ortiz
Utility IF Tony Pérez
P Pedro Martinez
P Juan Marichal
P Fernando Valenzuela
P Johan Santana
RP Francisco Cordero
Closer Mariano Rivera
BP C Iván Rodríguez
Manager Ozzie Guillen

Hailing from the promised land, they survive every last stand:
The Hammerin' Hebrews

C Mike Lieberthal
1B Hank Greenberg
2B Ian Kinsler
3B Al Rosen
SS Lou Boudreau
OF Shawn Green
OF Ryan Braun
OF Sid Gordon
DH Ron Blomberg
Utility IF Kevin Youkilis
P Sandy Koufax
P Ken Holtzman
P Jason Marquis
P Steve Stone
RP Scott Schoeneweis
Closer Larry Sherry
BP C Brad Ausmus

Manager Whitey Herzog

Hailing from the country shaped like a boot, they pack plenty of attitude:
The Italian Stallions

C Joe Torre
1B Jason Giambi
2B Mark DeRosa
3B Ken Caminiti
SS Phil Rizzuto
OF Joe DiMaggio
OF Dom DiMaggio
OF Joe Pepitone
IF Utility Ron Santo
DH Mike Piazza
P Mike Mussina
P Sal Maglie
P Ralph Branca
P Barry Zito
RP John Franco
Closer Dave Righetti
BP Catcher Mike Scioscia
Manager Tony La Russa

Hailing from the land of the Celts, they are not here to make amends:

The Luck O' The Irish

C Jimmy Archer
1B Stuffy McInnis
2B Kid Gleason
3B John McGraw
SS Jimmy Hallinan
OF Paul O'Neill
OF Adam Dunn
OF Jim O'Rourke
IF Utility Roger Connor
DH Mark McGuire
P Whitey Ford
P Nolan Ryan
P Pud Galvin
P Jack McDowell
RP Mickey McDermott
Closer John Wetteland
BP Catcher Tim McCarver
Manager Connie Mack

Last but certainly not least, they run your lives and you don't even know it:

The White Wasps

C Johnny Bench
1B Lou Gehrig
2B Rogers Hornsby
3B Mike Schmidt
SS Honus Wagner
OF Babe Ruth
OF Ted Williams
OF Ty Cobb
DH Jim Thome
Utility IF Jimmie Foxx
P Cy Young
P Roger Clemens
P Warren Spahn
P Christy Mathewson
RP Dennis Eckersley
Closer Billy Wagner
BP C Gary Carter
Manager Bobby Cox

Be Proud of who you are but remember there is thin line between Patriotism and Fascism. Enjoy the Olympics!

Happy Crazy Eights!

BREAKNG NEWS: Bret Favre traded to the NY Jets

2008-08-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

In a stunning move, Legendary Packer QB is traded to the NY Jets. He is traded for a conditional Draft Pick, a years supply of Premio Italian Sausage and a tarnished legacy. The Jets improve their Quarterback situation tremendously even though they just traded for a 38 year old quarterback with a 12 million dollar salary who has thrown 100 interceptions in the last 5 years.
Originally Bret Favre was against going to NY because he wanted to play for a contender and the Jets were 4-12 last season. Some arm wringing later and here he is. This is off course the same guy who retired without actually ceasing to play. Here is why I don't like number 4; He is somewhat of a flip-flopper and he keeps giving "scoops" to Fux Noobs, as if they're good at reporting frivolous news stories...Oh wait. Scratch that. Plus, he is constantly on TV and radio. ESPN has their own Favre scroll bar at the bottom of the screen, as if he is his own sports league. If this allows for less Bret Favre in the media then god bless, I am glad something finally happened. Now, ESPN can go back to focusing on meaningless august baseball, Ignoring the NHL, The Olympics with pork fried rice and off-the-field indiscretions of various NBA and NFL Players.

All I have left to say is the Madden Curse lives on!!!Mwuhahaha
Just remember who broke the story first, the fine folks at the Tranceponder, Good Times Blog and Webzine.

Beijing Banging: Top Thirteen Olympic Hotties

2008-08-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

The Olympics kick off on August 8th and I feel that it is my duty to save everyone some time and outline what is really important in this International Spectacle of Competition and Camaraderie...Which Olympian would I rather nail? Lets take a peek:

Coming in at lucky number 13:

Not a bad way to kick things off, Alexandra Orlando is a Rhythmic Gymnast from Toronto, Canada. (I am going to take this time to unnecessarily point out that this list is going to be Gymnast heavy...for OBVIOUS reasons.)

Number 12:

Lauren Jackson plays Basketball for the Aussies and the Seattle Storm of the WNBA...Sonics who?

Number 11:

Christine Arron is a French Track and Field Star.

Number 10:

Katy Livingston resides in Bath, England and participates in the Modern Pentathlon.

Number 9:

Alyona Bonderenko, She is a smokin' hot Ukrainian Tennis Player and she has a twin sister named Kateryna...nice!

Number 8:

Ain't NOTHIN' sexier than a chick with a gun, unless its Asian twins with guns, but you knew that. Thet's Katerina (Kurkova) Emmons of the Czech Republic, she competes in 10M air rifle.

Number 7:

This Leather-Clad Siren is Jelena Jankovic, she plays Tennis for Serbia.

Number 6:

Almudena Cid of Spain is a Gymnast and she definitely deserves a Gold medal for this position. You can find a few more choice cuts here and here.

Number 5:

Jenny Adams of the USA is competing in the 100M hurdles and the Long Jump, she has the distinction of being the first American on our list.

Number 4:

Heather Mitts of US Soccer team...I wouldn't mind getting my mitts on her...and even the crickets are silent. Now, She is what I call a SMILF!

Number 3:

Ana Ivanovic, Serbian Tennis Player, She is ranked #1 in the world in Tennis, but an even bigger distinction is being ranked #3 on this prestigious list. Put that on your resume and quote it!

Number 2:

American Swimmer Amanda Beard, guess what her event is? That's right, the Breast Stroke! For more information on her um...breast stroke, check out the July 2007 issue of playboy.

Drum roll Please...

And your winners are: Its a very sexy draw

The American Volleyball Duo of Misty May and Kerri Walsh. They won the Gold Medal in 2004 in Athens and are heavy favorites this year as well. Plus, they love to hug as illustrated here, here and especially here.

Maria Sharapova is a Russian Tennis Goddess, nuff said! I have linked some of my favorite pictures of her here and here. (Viewer indiscretion advised)

Montauk Mystery Monster Update

2008-08-01T14:06:00.001-07:00

I have posted some new photos of the “Montauk Mystery Monster,” which washed up on a beach in Montauk. These photos are Courtesy of Christina Pampalone.

The Viral marketing and Hoax theories have been more or less debunked. One thing that we know is that it is real, but WHAT THE FLUCK IS IT?!?!?

Here is a story on the creature from Newsday:
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/ny-lijoy0801,0,4559694.column

There are also reports that this creature was seen on other beaches in Long Island.

And for all those conspiracy theorists out there, apparently there is USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) testing facility not far from where the creature was found.

The facility is located on Plum Island, off the northeast coast of Long Island in New York state. The center is comprised of 70 buildings (many of them dilapidated) on 840 acres. (Aerial photo on the left)
Plum Island has its own fire department, power plant, and water treatment plant. No wildlife exists on the island; deer which swim onto the island are killed, along with every other animal that leaves the island.

Could this creature be a victim of a some Government testing? Is the US Gov't trying to splice K9 and Pig DNA? Has Military recruitment gotten to a point where the US Gov't is forced to create an army of genetically engineered Warthogs to fight the war on human rights(whoops)...I mean terror.

I would not put anything past the US Department of Home Land Security which just happens to be in charge of the USDA. We all know how much the Bush Administration loves to own up to its mistakes (according to them, they have a spotless record). What makes you think that the USDA would admit they messed with nature and screwed up? If we learned anything over the last 7 plus years its that they would just try to cover it up by chucking these poor creatures into the Long Island Sound, no matter the consequences.

....Or does South Park, Once again hold the key to solving one of the many mysteries of life?(they have a better track record than the US Gov't)

....Or it could be a Monotreme previously thought to be extinct and previously suggested on this very website:

http://tranceponder.blogspot.com/2008/07/montauk-mystery-monster.html

How ever this mystery ends up unraveling, remember who broke the story first.

Your local Investigatory Journalists at the Tranceponder.

~G9D, Contributing Satirist and Womanizer

Greyhound Canada Bus Attack & Beheading

2008-08-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

A 22 year old Canadian man was repeatedly stabbed & decapitated on a Greyhound bus on his way from Edmonton to Manitoba. Thats right folks, on the bus, decapitated, for no apparent reason. It's a very disturbing story to me, being that I have taken that same Greyhound bus line out of Edmonton and the victim is Around the same age I was at the time. There were several things I found outrageously interesting about the media's coverage of this event and the events of that night in particular. The victim was identified as a Manitoba resident. Tim McClean (victim) was 22 and lived in Winnipeg. The attack occurred about 45 minutes into the bus ride and the victim was apparently sleeping, with his head resting against the bus window, at the time of the attack. Tim McClean's seat mate (the guy sitting next to him in the aisle seat) then began to repeatedly stab him (which some passengers described as emotionless and sort of mechanical) as McClean was screaming."It was like something between a dog howling and a baby crying, I guess you could say," one of the witnesses said. "I don't think it will leave me for a while." The attack lasted a few minutes while everyone had ran out of the bus. The attacker then went on to decapitate the victim. A trucker passing by, armed a few of the bus passengers with wrenches and crowbars so they could keep the attacker at bay before the police arrived. At which time the suspect started exiting the bus holding the victim's head (by the hair) in his hand, in what apparently seemed like an exhibition of is attack. He was then quickly tackled by the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police.) One of the witnesses also praised the "extraordinary" level-headedness and bravery of the bus driver and passengers. "What you saw and what you experienced would shake the most seasoned police officer. And yet I'm told that each of you acted swiftly, calmly and bravely," Colwell said. "As a result, no one else was injured." He also went on to add "He sat in the front at first; everything was normal," Caton said. "We went to the next stop, and he got off and had a smoke with another young lady there. When he got on the bus again, he came to the back near where I was sitting. He put his bags in the overhead compartment. He didn't say a word to anybody. He seemed totally normal." Half an hour later, the attack began, Caton told the AP. "There was no rage or anything. He was like a robot, stabbing the guy." The attacker (whose identity has been withheld to protect his identity) was charged with second degree murder. That it second degree murder, in what to me sounds like a pre-meditated attack. I mean come on, the guy got on the bus with a knife and a butcher knife. That means the guy got on with the intent to kill. I really doubt he was a cook that got on the bus with his knives and said to himself, Hmmm, I think I am going to stab someone for no reason. He had a reason (whichever sick and twisted fucking reason it maybe) and the murder was definitely pre-meditated. The Canadian justice system is a fucking joke. You get more time in prison for drugs than you do for murder (even though drugs are more abundant than teenagers with babies there). How can you charge this fucking piece of shit with second degree murder instead of the first? It's fucking bullshit. Second off, where Colwell get off praising the passenger's bravery. What the fuck is he talking about? I know how Greyhound packs it's buses out, so there were a lot of fucking people on that bus and no one helped. Everyone just ran off the bus like little pussies. Even when the trucker armed them with bats and crowbars and wrenches everyone stood and did NOTHING while the attacker was carving up his victim inside. For shame, how dare you talk about bravery when everyone stood and did nothing. God bless (if he exists) Tim McClean's soul and may he rest in peace. And please send me your thoughts and feelings on this. Comment on this post, I would like to know how you feel about this story.

The Montauk Mystery Monster

2008-07-30T11:23:00.001-07:00

Mother Nature is one Sick Demented Broad!

The Creature above was found washed up on the shores of Montauk. That is in Long Island, New York for the Geographically Impaired. It looks like some kind of Rodent with a beak. But, it could be a number of things:

Secret Government experiment gone wrong
A mutant turtle without its Shell
A Viral Marketing campaign by the cartoon network
An elaborate Hoax to dupe the citizens of L.I. (that's easier done than said)
A creature similar to a platypus, which exhibits both bird and mammal characteristics

The Platypus (pictured above) is an anomaly in nature. It is an egg-laying, venemous, milk-producing, duck-billed, beaver-tailed, otter-footed mammal.

Not only is it one of only two Mammal that lays eggs, it is also one of the few mammals in nature which produces venom. (venom is usually reserved for reptiles and insects)

Platypus are a part of the Monotreme family. Monotremes are Egg-Laying Mammals. All of the Monotreme are extinct besides our Friend, Mr. Platypus and an ant-eating creature known as Echidnas (pictured on the left).

But, there are fossil records of two other species that are thought to be Monotreme and closely related to the Platypus by most leading scientists.

One is known as Teinolophos, its fossils were discovered in and around Australia, the same place that Platypus resides today.

The other Monotreme which scientists have fossil records of is called Steropodon and through fossil records, Scientists were able to recreate what the creature might have looked like:

Cute, Ain't it?

There are definitely some similarities between the creature that washed up on the shores of Strong Island and the Steropodon. The creature could be a distant north American relative of platypus. If this creature is in fact real, it could put a whole different spin on how we look at evolution. Scientist have proven that mammals evolved into three distinct groups. Mammals that give birth (Placental), Mammals that have pouches for their young (Marsupials) and the Egg-Laying Mammals (Monotreme). Both Australia and North America are home to Marsupials, the Aussies have Kangaroos and the we have Opossums. Is it impossible for Monotremes to inhabit both Australia and North America? If that creature is in fact a Monotreme, it strengthens the theory that the world was once a single land mass, otherwise known as Pangea.

How else can one explain the existence of both Marsupials and Monotremes in Australia and North America when the two continents are over 10,000 miles away from each other in today's world?

~G9D Contributing Satirist and Womanizer

Rant About Bush and Our Country's Shape

2008-07-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

Eyyy, here is a rant that's sure to cause controversy! There he goes again. President Bush today signed a huge bill intended to provide mortgage relief for 400,000 struggling home owners (a bill he once said he was once planning to veto.) This bill calls for $3.9 billion in neighborhood grants. What the hell is a neighborhood grant? (Can't be all that bad, it was the Democrat's idea. Although, what the hell is a neighborhood grant?) Someone send me a memo. The other day the national record for the national debt has been shattered. The new national debt number now stands at $9.5 trillion. That $9,542,039,724,822 to be exact and is growing at an incredible rate. When I think about it, I start hoping that Obama is really up to the challenge (I mean come on, McCain is done.) Cause after the Bush administration's antics with the War on Terror (which should really just be called the War on Iraq), there is no shortage of shit to clean up. Let's recap (and I would so do this in the slow motion ESPN highlight segment style but I can't. So just imagine it.) Thank you Mr.Bush, we now have the highest National Debt.. EVER. Before Bush we were disliked by the middle east. After Bush, we are now fully hated by most of the middle east. Before Bush the government had limits as to which of it's citizens it can monitor and what methods it would employ to do so. Now, after the Patriot Act, they can do as they please with little to no explanation. Before Bush, people had houses. After Bush, people got "Neighborhood Grants" whatever the fuck that is. Everything Bush touches, he runs into the ground (e.g. Arbusto Drilling and the other little dumb ass companies he was the President of) Well you know what, this is a country, not a fucking company you can just run into the ground. Don't treat us like your employees who run around like ants and make you money. I don't think Georgi got the memo. Our economy has sustained massive, and i mean MASSIVE damage from President Bush. MASSIVE DAMMIT! And all he can say is that we are making progress in Iraq and we can't surrender now. Well with that said, what the fuck happened in Afghanistan? Did we win there? I don't remember a fucking victory party. Last time I checked we are getting owned by the Taliban and rebel forces in Afghanistan. Last two thing I heard about Afghanistan... Go! Last two things, last two things. The Taliban blowing up a hole in the wall of an American detention facility letting 800 prisoners escape. Then the second piece of news I remember is 500 of those 800 attacking us bases in Afghanistan (actually taken from my memory, amazing). But Bush is only focused on Iraq. Duh, no Weapons of Mass Destruction found. No Al-Quada terror rings found. No chemical or biological weapons found, yet we, they rather (The Bush Administration) are still there just diddling about and plunging the country into deeper and deeper debt. Killing our soldiers. Killing Iraqi soldiers. Killing civilians in the process. Oh, and you know what. A whole lot of Iraqi civilians are paid by the terror groups to plant bombs and carry out attacks. Their economy is in a lot worse shape than America's, leaving some no choice but to take up the offers. Does that make them terrorists? Well kind of but their family has to eat. The point is we shouldn't have been there in the first place. Iraq wasn't really America's enemy. Iraq is a country that is classified as an "American Interest." Interest as in, Hey, we are interested in you. Give us your fucking oil! And they know this. I know this. The CIA couldn't have fucked up that bad with their intel. They just couldn't have. And if they genuinely did, well maybe it's time to get rid of them. It's not in the budget. hundreds of billions of dollars wasted on such crappy intel? I don't think so. Liars liars, all that shit was doctored and falsified. Should Bush be tried for war crimes, personally I think so. Attacking a sovereign nation under false pretenses is grounds for a war crimes tribunal, is it not? And if not, it should be. Almost half a million dead and counting (although personally i think the number is higher than that.) Let's get out and vote (for Obama) people. These problems won't go away on their own. Think about it. We are in the largest National Debt number ever and at the same time we SHOULD HAVE ALREADY been trying to combat global climate issues. How can we combat climate change if money and the funding is just not there. We better start seeing federal budget surpluses by 2015. And that goes for all you politic fucks, Democrat or Republican, Obama or McCain, in my eyes you are all criminals until proven otherwise.

QUANTAS - The 747 Incident (Update 2)

2008-07-28T06:51:00.001-07:00

I said I would do it, so here it is. Apologies to Quantas. ATSB and NTSB investigators now say that an oxygen bottle exploded on board of a Quantas 747-400 causing a huge hole in the bottom part of it's fuselage. They have found an oxygen valve from a tank (second pic) inside the fuselage and now believe it came from the ruptured oxygen tank. Neville Blyth, senior investigator from the Australian Transport and Safety Bureau, told a news conference in Manila "I can't speculate as to indeed the probability of that cylinder having caused the damage" He also went on to add "In the vicinity of the damage, we are missing one cylinder. The areas around the damage will be inspected. We're obviously looking for evidence on where that cylinder may have gone." (Hmm Neville, I wonder where that cylinder may have gone myself. I mean there is absolutely no way it could have fell out of that fucking hole. No way, it's absolutely impossible. Maybe you should check the first class toilet, it could have fell in there.) I guess the questions to ask now would be why this never happened on a 747 before and why did the tank explode? Was it due to overheating? Was the valve or the regulator valve made correctly? Did something fall on the valve and cause it to break (although it must have been something extremely heavy because the guys from Discovery Channel's Mythbusters have broken off a valve from an oxygen tank before and it took quite a significant amount of force.)

"The Rock Music-Baseball-Kabbalah-Celebrity Love Clusterfuck"

2008-07-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

Madonna V. Cynthia Rodriguez V. A-Rod V. Lenny Kravitz

Who is Writing this stuff, Seriously?
This is like a bad episode of Celebrity wife swap.
I guess the worlds of rock and sports cross-pollinate in to a weird love trapezoid.
I for one am look forward to seeing a Madonna and Cyn-Rod cat fight/make out session.
I am still surprised no one has made this into a reality show yet, or at least a made for TV movie.
This is Gold people, get off your laurels and create this cluster fuck for the masses to enjoy.
Somehow Kabbalah got mixed into this as well. Now that is some good publicity. (Catholicism should take some notes, the whole boy touching thing is so 2003, celebrity scandals is where its at!)
Madonna in a statement said “ I Have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study,” this is apparently a reference to reports that the singer had introduced the ballplayer to Kabbalah, also known as Jewish mysticism.
Here is a quick Breakdown of what 10 “truths” of Kabbalah
(will)
(wisdom)
(understanding)
(loving kindness)
(judgement)
(harmony)
(victory)
(glory)
(foundation)
(sovereignty)

I once sat in on a lecture on Kabbalah, and let me tell you, it is freaking complicated and if A-rod can master Kabbalah, then maybe just maybe he can finally hit in the playoffs. Ouch, yea that one stung a lil’ didn't it?
But, Hey the Yanks have won 8 in a row since the All-star break. So maybe all this high-drama is motivating A-Rod somewhat. Oh, and did I mention that Madonna and Lenny Kravitz (the artist formerly known as Romeo Blue) had a fling back in the mid-90’s.
Anyhow, my over/under on an A-Rod, Cyn-Rod, Madonna, L-Krav Orgy happening is 90 days. Any takers? I am willing to give 69 to 1 odds.

~G9D, Contributing Satirist and Womanizer

NOTORIOUS - The Biggie Movie

2008-07-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

For fans of great Biggie Smalls a.k.a Notorious a.k.a Frank White, there is some good news. Fox Searchlight pictures are planning a 2009 release of "Notorious". A movie about our favorite rapper born and raised in Brooklyn, Biggie. Biggie will be played by Jamal Woolard, a Brooklyn-based rapper. That picture up top here with Puff Daddy a.k.a Diddy, is not taken with Biggie. Standing next to him but in fact is Jamal Woolard, the actor that will be playing Biggie. As of now there is no trailer out, but as soon as it comes out I will post it up. Personally I think it's about time someone has made a movie as a tribute to B.I.G. whom in my eyes is one of the greatest rap M.C.'s to walk this earth. I just pray that this movie will be better than the 50 Cent flop "Get Rich or Die Trying", which made me want to hang myself with a power extension cord. So "BIG" up to FOX for trying to take this project on. We all know how FOX is. I mean come on, FOX ? They are gonna make it look like cops DIDN'T shoot biggie.

See Also:

Fux Noobs Shitting on Diplomatic Journalism

Minor League Brawl: Dragons V. Chiefs

2008-07-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Is there extra Testosterone in the water in the Midwest or is this just purely coincidental. Last night, there was bench clearing brawl at a Minor League Baseball game in Peoria, Illinois. It occurred in the bottom of the 1st inning, I am just curious but were tensions really that high in the bottom of the first inning at a Class A minor league game in the middle of July? Couldn't they at least wait till the 7th inning stretch? The incident killed more than an hour before the game was resumed. (I'm sure the fans loved that)

Here is a Video of the Brawl:
Anyhow, the big story to come out of all of this was that Chief's pitcher Julio Castillo tried to throw a baseball into the Dragon's Dugout but instead chucked a baseball 80 MPH into the stands inadvertently striking a fan. He was later arrested on assault charges and all I have to say to Mr. Castillo is: Dude, You are SO Sued!

No wonder he still in Single-A ball, he can't hit a freakin' dugout from 30 feet away. Plus, he hit 3 batters in the same inning earlier in the game. If I was his attorney, I would advise him to plead not guilty, on the premise that he is just an awful pitcher with no control and bad placement. I am sure his pitching coach would vouch for him. Here is what the trial would be like:

"Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I intend to prove that my client is an awful pitcher with a 4-12 record, 21 Wild Pitches, 70 walks and a career ERA of 7.27, he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn." or simply "If the Mitt don't fit you must acquit."

On a serious note, the staff of Tranceponder wishes the fan who was injured a speedy recovery.

This is the second brawl in less than a week, Athletes have got to slow their roles, its just entertainment! Fans shouldn't be put in harms way when they attend a ball game. Fans should be able to have the choice of drinking themselves into harms way. That is what makes this country so mediocre.

Shame on Qantas? About the 747 Incident

2008-07-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

A Quantas Airlines Boeing 747-400 had to make an emergency landing in Manila after a huge piece tore off mid flight from the bottom part of the front fuselage. Passengers heard a loud bang from the fusalge some time into the flight to Melbourne, Australia. Quanatas is known for it's outstanding safety record and hasn't lost a plane since 1951. At the time of the incident the plane was cruising at 29,000 feet, then descended rapidly to 10,000 as the oxygen masks dropped. Shortly thereafter the Quantas 747 made a landing in Manila in the Philippines. Quantas was experiencing problems with their employees who have been demanding higher pay and going on strikes. So it seems logical to assume that aircraft service quality has been diminished due to this situation. There have been a few other similar cases when pieces of the fuselage have torn off. One that comes to my mind first is Hawaiian flight Aloha 243 (second photo) when a huge piece torn off the top part of the fuselage leaving the passenger exposed to the the outside atmosphere at full cruising speed. The investigators in the Aloha 243 case have found that the incident was caused by metal fatigue. Metal fatigue is cause from multiple depressurizations and the constant change in temperature between cruising at altitude and being on the ground. The Aloha case was also similar in the fact that Aloha Airlines was also experiencing the same kind of aircraft service degradation that Quantas is currently facing. So if I had to make a hypothesis then i would prematurely conclude that in the case of Quantas, the plane has also suffered from metal fatigue. Now the NTSB or ATSB rather, must find the cause of this problem as fast as possible in order to prevent a future catastrophe. No airline should gamble with the safety of their passengers. Especially with a huge plane like the 747-400 which is capable of carrying more than 400 passengers (depending on the model of course but roughly 400). I will keep you posted in the results of the ATSB investigation. But for now I am gonna go out a limb and say SHAME ON YOU QUANTAS! Stop gambling with our lives and get your shit together. Don't muck up the 747's safety record with your newly found incompetence. (Although if I am wrong (which i dont think I am) then I will apologize for badmouthing Quantas, whom by the way again, haven't lost an aircraft since 1951)
By the way, here some footage from the inside of the plane shortly after it was rocked by the loud bang.

Malice in The Palace Part 2: The Bitches Strike Back!

2008-07-23T10:13:00.001-07:00

The WNBA finally got some much needed publicity this week after an on-court scuffle escalated into a border-line domestic violence scene. The scuffle occurred during a LA Sparks and Detroit Shock game at the Palace of Auburn Hills. This happens to be the same arena where Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson of the Indiana Pacers went into the stands and started brawling with Detroit Pistons fans, more than three years ago. At one Point former Pistons "bad boy" Rick Mahorn shoves Sparks Center Lisa Leslie and then one of her teammates hits Mahorn in the back of the head. Plus, a Detroit Shock player sprained her knee. Good thing this game was nationally televised on ESPN2, the WNBA would need an all out Lesbofest in order to get this kind of coverage again.
Observe:

2008-09 NFL Preview (AFC & NFC East)

2008-07-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

Before we start a few things to look forward to in the upcoming season:

Wow! Bold step, The letter "L" is no longer curled. So, this is what Roger Goodell is working when he is suspending Players for off the Field misconduct and not suspending coaches for on the Field misconduct. And how is less stars an upgrade? Wouldn't more stars make more sense? If I am not mistaken, there are more teams now.

In a fascinating development, The NFL will investigate weather NFL players are flashing gang signs on the feild. Uhoh! get me Dragnet. Gang Unit, off course. Really? Is The NFL is like a bunch of Millionairre Gangstas? Highly Ulikely, but judge for yourself:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=afp-amfootnflgangs&prov=afp&type=lgns

AFC EAST
The New England Patriots tried not cheating during the super bowl and the result was a loss to a team that played with guts. The pats are taking a step backwards this season, Ellis Hobbs is their top corner...need I say more? A jar of mayo from a lousy SEC team (Vanderbilt) is not going to make their Linebackers that much better or younger for that matter. Belichick needs to cheat again but knows that the next time he gets caught, Goodell is going to go bezerk on him for tarnishing the leagues reputation.
With all that said the Bills, Dolphins, and Jets all belong in NCAA Div. II football and none of them will even sniff the division title and none of them will make the playoffs. In reality, it is extremely unfair that the Patriots are in this division because they get 6 automatic wins practically every year.
The Jets will be in contention for a wild card berth toward the end of the season but without a true number one quarterback in the fold, I don’t foresee them getting into the playoffs when things are all said and done. The AFC is a loaded division and the Jets could be starting Erik Ainge by mid-season.

His uncle Danny Ainge led the Boston Celtics to the NBA title, but he had a significant assist from Kevin McHale and unfortunately Erik does not have the same connections. Erik Ainge is just hoping fellow Tennessee University Alum Peyton Manning gives him a free lesson in how to snag Advertising deals.

1. New England Patriots
2. New York Jets
3. Buffalo Bills
4. Miami Dolphins

The Patriots win the Division. The Jets make a valiant run but come up short. The Bills sellout the Rogers Centre in Toronto and in a few years they will be the Toronto Meese (or Mooses?) Bill Parcells is prepetually Pissed and puts a hit out on Bill Belichick, I hope that hoodie of his is bulletproof because you cannot cheat death, no matter how many signals you steal.

NFC EAST
The Super Bowl Champion Giants (that feels good to write) had arguable the best draft in all of the NFL, acquiring an NFL ready safety in Kenny Phillips and a potentially explosive Wide Receiver in Manningham. Manningham would have been a late 1st round pick had he not gotten caught smoking some cheeba and then admitted to it during the NFL combine.
Getting rid of Tight End Jeremy Shockey adds to the chemistry of this team. Kevin Boss now will be the Starting TE without having the pressure of competing with a more skilled offensive player. Strahan’s retirement allows Justin tuck to start and will give them a very young defense with excellent leadership by way of veteran MLB Antonio pierce and 7 other starters have super bowl experience, which is immeasurable.
The Cowboys are like a powder keg...I foresee Adam “Pacman” Jones sleeping with Jessica Simpson and making it "rain" all over her. Terrell Owens will then begin crying and stammering on about how Romo is his “quarterback” and it is not his fault that he cannot cut it in the Bedroom. Pacman will respond by assaulting strippers and paralyzing former professional wrestlers…residents of Dallas beware. Tony Homo and TO will soon become life partners, I think the ceremony might happen on Nov. 23 with the San Francisco 49ers in town. Now that is an original halftime show, too bad it’s not a road game, the bay area crowd would have eaten that up. If you would like to read Drew Bledsoe’s opinion of Tony Homo, I encourage you to visit http://www.tonyhomo.blogspot.com/

The Washington Redskins Just acquired Pro Bowl DE Jason Taylor from Miami, less than a season after Pro Bowl Safety Sean Taylor was killed in his Miami home. A little ominous don’t you think? (They have the same Surname and both spend significant time in Miami) It seems to me that this might be a negative career move for twinkle toes. As biggie once said, “Miami, DC prefer Versace” and what can be more classy than Dancing with the Stars?
As for the Eagles, they don’t have any receivers that can even be considered mediocre and Coach Andy Reid’s two sons are in jail for popping too many pills. Asante Samuel signed for the money according to Patriots WR Wes Welker and has no interest in winning. That may not bode too well for the eagles, but in Samuel’s defense he has two Super Bowl rings and Welker has none. So, maybe Samuels just left the Pats because he was tired of cheating and wanted to win legitimately. If that is the case then the Eagles will be a tough team to Pass Efficiently against but you can still run it down their throats and use Tight Ends effectively.

1. Dallas Cowboys
2. New York Giants
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Washington Redskins

Even with Tony Homo’s gay escapades, the Cowboys will probably win the division in order for them to continue their long standing tradition of choking in the playoffs.
The Giants will make the Playoffs via the Wild Card and the Eagles will be in contention until late in the season.

Up Next: AFC North and NFC North

~G9D Contributing Satirist and Womanizer

Classic 911 Calls for Your Enjoyment

2008-07-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

They say its only Funny until someone gets hurt, but when they call 911 it becomes hilarious!

Maybe he wanted to shoot her with a tranquilizer gun? At least he is brainstorming ideas, which is more than I can say for the mother...she immediately dialed 911.

Someone call Animal control, He's eating a tree!

Let me get this straight...Your a dude?

This one is fake but I hope that the future brings us more ads that use fake 911 calls.

Drum roll Please....And the winner is:

Ironically the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup. But, Less Ironically the officer involved in this fiasco was not even fired.

Here is a different news cast of the same story:

I guess I was absent from my Broadcast Journalism class on the day they taught how to snort while laughing.

~G9D
Contributing Satirist and Womanizer

What's Wrong With This Picture

2008-07-16T14:51:00.001-07:00

Above is a graph depicting the results of an ABC poll from the afternoon news cast. ABC polled African Americans a.k.a Blacks and Whites a.k.a Honkeys with the question, "Is America ready for a black president?".The results of this survey were somewhat interesting in the fact that 70% of white people polled said the country is ready, meanwhile only 60% of all blacks polled said the country was ready for a black president. So what this survey really shows is in fact that black people in America feel that white people don't want a black guy as president. And it also shows that thats not true. Or it could mean that black people aren't ready for a black president. What does this mean?

IRAN and The Missle Test

2008-07-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

Iran test fired a series of mid to long range ballistic missiles in order to try and intimidate Israel into not launching strikes on their nuclear facilities. An Iranian general was quoted as saying "We want to tell the world that those who conduct their foreign policy by using the language of threat against Iran have to know that our finger is always on the trigger and we have hundreds and even thousands of missiles ready to be fired against predetermined targets." He also went on to add "We will chase the enemies on the ground and in the sky and we are able react strongly to enemy's threats in shortest possible time." The primary test missile was the Shahab 3 with an estimated range of 1,250 miles (2,000km). There were other missiles tested as well with a range of no more than 400km for either. A defense expert in an interview in regard to the Shahab 3 was quoted saying "They do have a capability to hit some of Eastern Europe and southern Russia but not particularly deep into those countries. Obviously, we don't have very solid information on Iran's missiles, they don't release a lot of information but we think that their Shahab-3 has got a range about 1,300 kilometers while it's improved the version of Shahab-3A, it's stretched its length to get some more fuel into the tanks and they've cut the weight of the warhead by more than half; we think that can do up to 1,800 kilometers. Now if you look at the map of Europe, Volgograd is 1,100 kilometers from Iran and certainly Volgograd was in Europe the last time I looked. That sort of narrow range would get you just about to Istanbul; there's certainly no argument that bit of Turkey is in Europe, that's about 1,400 kilometers from just inside the Iranian border. If you move to the longer-range figure (1,800 kilometers), then you get more cities of East Europe starting to come into range. Eighteen hundred [kilometers] will give you Iran to Kyiv, just about Iran to Athens, I suspect, Iran to Bucharest." This recent test comes as the tensions in east only tighten.

Teaching History Through Rock!

2008-07-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

After one of my excursions through the World Wide Web, I discovered a particularly comical Music Video by the Russian metal band Anj that centered around former Russian President and world famous Booze hound Mikhail Gorbachev.
If that sounds too absurd to believe, Well the proof is in the Borscht:

Once again this is not a joke, this is a real Metal band from Moscow. You can check them out at www.myspace.com/anjkill

This got me thinking about other songs that revolved around famous/infamous historical figures and without any further ado, Here are some songs that not only entertain but they also edumacate:

Boney M-Rasputin

Disco + Crazed Russian Monk=Gold Record?

Judas Priest-Nostradamus

I wonder if Nostradamus foresaw this 2-Disc Concept album from a British band dressed in S&M led by a openly gay front-man...Then I would be impressed!

Falco-Rock Me Amadeus

Mozart deserves better than this clown, but at least he got a good movie out of it. What we learned from all this is that Mozart is the most marketable of all the Classical Composers. Beethoven got a movie bit it was full of dogs and no one else has even sniffed Hollywood.

Ozzy-Mr. Crowley

A Metal song dedicated to a Satan Worshipping cult leader, way to disprove a stereotypes, Ozzy.

Outkast-Rosa Parks

Surprisingly, Ms. Parks did not approve and on a totally unrelated note, Andre 3000 does not smoke weed and is a vegetarian, keepin' it Gangsta!

Jack Johnson-Jack Karouac

Jack Karouak was a beat writer from the 60's, His book "on the road" is a modern day masterpiece.

Modest Mouse-Bukowski

Another song about a beat writer from the 60s/70s. Quick recommendation: Read "Tales of Ordinary madness" and watch the movie Barfly.

Bob Dylan-Mr. Bojangles

They didn't have Music Videos in the 60's, so this is the best I can do. Bill "Bojangle" Robinson was a famous tap-dancer and actor from the early twentieth century.

Soulfly-Moses

Moses was like a prophet or something, Soulfly is a sweet band from Brazil that mixes way too many genres to actually comprehend but they are still awesome!

Interpol-Lief Erikson

He was Viking explorer who was the first European to land on American soil. I guess the real Interpol is still after him for beating Columbus to the punch.

The Specials-Nelson Mandela

The song might have sucked but at least it accomplished its goal. The Apartheid is no more, South Africa now simply has the highest crime rate in the world. Big Whoop.

Rush-Tom Sawyer

Yea, I know he is a fictional character but Mark Twain probably based the character on himself. Plus, Rush has the greatest drummer of all time in their corner and the nerdiest front-man of all time. That is a formidable combination and their Canadian to boot!

Slick Rick-Mona Lisa

Once again not a "real" person but someone had to pose for the painting. plus, Slick Rick "The Ruler" needs some love, ever since he got deported, things have not been the same.

The Who-Baba O'Riley

No the song is not called "Teenage Wasteland" that would make sense. And we all know, there was no room for sense when your guru is a guy named Baba.

Immortal Technique-Bin Laden

What makes Immortal Technique so controversial? The Truth, maybe?

And last but soytenly not least...

Sublime-Hong Kong Phooey

This crime fighting dog changed the course of history in ways that only people who lived in the '70's could understand. Unfortunately, I do not belong to this elite group.

~G9D Contributing Satirist and Womanizer

IRAN and it's "Crushing Response" - Part 1

2008-07-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

In current news, Iran warns that it will strike strategic American and Israeli military installations and bases in the Gulf area if either America or Israel strikes Iranian nuclear facilities. One Iranian Revolutionary Guard (their little dumb ass military) spokesperson Ali Shirazi was quoted saying "The Zionist regime is pushing the White House to prepare for a military strike on Iran," Shirazi was also quoted as saying. "If such a stupidity is done by them, Tel Aviv and the U.S. naval fleet in the Persian Gulf will be the first targets which will be set on fire in Iran's crushing response." I don't know if they got the memo but they will be going up against the most efficient war machine of our time, the Jews. No, I'm just kidding, of course it's the US. The only "crushing response" in this instance would be dealt out by us, America. In fact, if you look carefully, "crushing response", "swift attack", "shock and awe" are all trademarks of the American War Machine. Let's face the facts here, Iran is really not ready for to fend itself off against the US. And for them to strike anything in the Gulf that is even closely associated with the US would be a sign of blithering idiocy. When we look at the comparison between military technology we begin to see the impossibility with Iran's statement.

PART ONE - Air Force Capabilities

They say the side that controls the air controls the war. Lets take a look at air superiority capabilities between the three sides. Lets first take a look at American Air Force Technology. The Lockheed Martin/Boeing F-22 Raptor is a fighter aircraft that uses stealth technology. It is primarily an air superiority fighter, but has multiple capabilities that include ground attack, electronic warfare, and signals intelligence roles. The United States Air Force considers the F-22 a critical component of the U.S. strike force.The F-22 is claimed by multiple sources to be the world’s most effective air superiority fighter. The US Air Force states that the F-22 cannot be matched by any known or projected fighter aircraft. The F22 is capable of Mach 1.75 in supercruise mode. The F22 also has mid air refueling capabilities and carries a deadly arsenal of the newest "smart weapons" stored internally to maintain its low radar cross section. To make a long story short, you can't shoot down what you can't see and if you can see it, you can't get missile lock on it. A single F22 can take on up seven or more F16's with minimal effort. (no need to even mention these other planes like the F117 Nightawk and the Boeing B1B Supersonic Bomber)

Lets take a look now at the Iranian Air Force and what they utilize. Now like every country they will have numerous aircraft in service so I will only write about their most commonly used ones. The aircraft in the photo to the left is Iranian built HESA Azarakhsh (which in Persian translates to Lightning). It capabilities are to fly and miss all their shots. The Iranians are a crafty bunch wouldn't you say? Hey there's a new blog post right there, "Those crafty Iranians" about Iran's innovative technology market (yes, it was sarcasm.) Moving on. The Iranians also have 29 F4 Phantoms (yes, wow, we haven't used those since Vietnam) and 35 Russian built MiG 29's. But the aircraft model they most commonly use is the American built Northrop F5 Freedom Fighter (pic left). Plus 79 F14's that America sold them before 1979. So it seems we'll be doing most of the fighting against our own aircraft from the 60's and 70's. We're just shaking in our boots now. Oh no!
Snapple Fact: Did you know that America sells $14 million dollars worth of bull semen to Iran each year. Deadly, no. Gross, for sure. You wanna know what the best thing in Iran's arsenal is? It's the Russian built MiG 29. An aircraft that has been around since 1977. All jokes aside however, rumors have been surfacing about an arms deal between the Iranians and Russia. The arms deal is a purchase, by Iran, from Russia, a total of 250 Su-37 Flankers (blue and yellow aircraft in the two photos to the left)(in case you wondering the black one is the new Su-47). 250 Su-37's would make formidable opponents in a retaliatory attack of that nature, that is, if this arms deal goes through.) Additionally, the Su-37 incorporates the AL-37FU engines equipped with thrust vectoring. The Su-37’s nozzles are variable in pitch only, but unlike the F22 Raptor they can be operated differentially to provide a rolling movement. Also unlike the F22 Raptor this plane has no stealth technologies. Let's take a look at a some hypothetical air combat scenarios that might play out. For example, Israel launches a secret strike on Iranian nuclear installations. Ahmadinejad's vein and arteries in the neck and forehead swell up from anger (Ahmadinejad is Iran's president, His pic is on the top of this post.)(You know, being that this is an American blog, some people may not have known that.) Now at this point lets say that Ahmadinejad launches an air strike on Israel (Now also at this point the Hezzbollah would also probably fire a whole bunch of those bullshit Katyusha rockets across the border, they do it like rocketry is their hobby or something.) Israel would probably already be expecting such a retaliatory attack. Israel has an Air Arsenal of 72 F15 Eagles and an additional 25 of the F15 Strike Eagle variant. Their Air Force also comprises of more than 300 F16 Fighting Falcons in three different variants (But we only know what they tell us.) So when Iran, does send its Vietnam War Era Phantom F4's and it's minuscule fleet of MiG 29's, it will be, how Borat would say, a not great success against the Jew for Iran. The Jew come with the claw bitch! Let's say America aided in this operation and they go after a warship in the gulf. They'd be finished before they find the ship. I can't really think of any viable scenarios that would play out as this overwhelming "crushing response" from Iran. Maybe playing defense bitches.

Stay tuned for part 2.
We will go more into Iranian military technology